I’ve been engaging in the BDSM lifestyle for over a decade now.  Somethings about it are quite simple, others not as simple.

My surrender is not a simple one.  It takes someone who is exceptional to get to me even consider it.

I have a very high opinion of myself and those who step to me that I feel are ‘less than’ tend to suffer the consequences.   That is not always a bad thing, but it is a very empty thing.

Outside of the confines of a M/s relationship I am an Aston Martin stuck on the Blue Route in rush hour traffic.  I am still beautiful and majestic and magical, but I am bound by the restrictions of the society that surrounds me.

When the collar is tight, I am that same vehicle, on the open road.

To get TO the open road, you must go through the traffic.  That is the difficult part for me.

At this stage, I carry the baggage of my past, our past and the questions that it brings.  To surrender is not to question, at least not in the ways that I am.

I am always poking and prodding and testing the boundaries.  That can get a bitch fucked up – literally and figuratively.

With Mercury in retrograde, I fear everything that comes out of my mouth right now.  With my restrictions in place I fear everything that comes out of my mouth right now.

I am battling the lioness that I have become in his absence and the awkward 11 year old girl – with grown woman reactions – that he creates in me.

When I am with him?  The king of the jungle, it is simple.  The lioness kneels in front of the king.  When we must part it is more difficult.

I am not a submissive woman.

AHEM

I  AM  NOT  A  SUBMISSIVE  WOMAN.

I am a woman who submits to her man, this man.

In every other facet of my life – I am the boss, and the last word.  I don’t even go out to a 9-5 any longer to have a boss to listen to, there is me and only me.  When I am on the hunt?  The prey is easy.  I know exactly what to do, when and how, to get what and who I want when I want them and how I want them.  Even other Dominants.  I am just that damned good.

With him?  He turns my world topsy turvy and I never know which end is up.

It makes the me away from him even MORE powerful, but that is the issue.

I am rarely MORE attractive, than when he is in my life.  There is a beauty and energy that he brings that turns my natural 9 on the scale of 10 to a 75.  When he is around I am irresistible.

But to look at me to him?  I am clumsy and awkward and unsure.

That balance is woefully needed.  Needed or not, it doesn’t sit well with the power.

Power is like the flame and oxygen, and gasoline, once you get a little, you want a lot.

Being with him makes me powerless.  Not helpless but powerless.  For this bitch?  That is a hard pill to swallow.

I looked at my personal journal to him, and saw what we in the lifestyle call topping from the bottom.

Some might say it was negotiation, but our time to negotiate has past.  It is surrender or leave.

I do not wish to leave.  There is no place else that I would rather be than underneath him.  I also do not know how to stay.  It would be easy if ….. and the ‘if’ will kill me yet.  If I were to somehow able to get him to agree with the ‘if’ it changes the nature of the game.