This time in 2010 my relationship with Reginald was coming to an end.  I had no idea then that it would end as it did, but I knew that it would end.

I was learning that although I loved him, he was not a good fit for me, for my needs, for my desires, for my happiness.

I can not call him a bad man, I have to simply say that he was not the right man for me.

He is a dedicated father – he is employed – he goes to church most Sundays – he is a Veteran.  He is the dream for a lot of women out there.  He was not for me.

From the time that it became apparent that we wanted to do M/s there were issues.  Issues that I overlooked because a good slave doesn’t bolt at the first sign of not getting her way.

His marital status, and he reasons for remaining married troubled me.  I overlooked that because it was a simple thing to say:  I will not relocate until that is taken care of.  It was a fair thing to say, it was agreed that it would be fixed.

When I learned of his issues with his employer, another red flag.  The bigger red flag – every attempt that I made to help him out of that situation he dismissed.  A good slave girl though bites her tongue and says yes Sir, and reminds her Master that …. I can not relocate until this is corrected.

I learned much in my time with Reginald, even though we were states away from one another.

People ‘say’ that you have to do this thing real time, hands on.  Yeah you kind of do…..but I could not be where I am now without having first been with Reginald.

The appeal of long distance was not something that I ever got the way I get how to tie my shoes.  There are those who participate in this life as long distance only, and online only.  That is not the life for me.

I accepted Reginald, because of our connection, because of our attraction with the intention of one day us being real time.

It was never meant to be an online relationship…it just turned out to be because we parted ways without having met face to face.

My time with Reginald gave me discipline in ways that I’d not known it before.  It allowed me to think as if Sir were here …. even though he was not.

It enabled me to push my own limits and grow into the concept of obedience without question also something that I’d not had before.

The ex?  Dominant Alpha male to the 89th power – but the specifics of our relationship were always blurry — at least for me.

It was never that way with Reginald, even though…I always knew deep down…he was not the one for me.

Very early into our relationship his possessiveness came out.  It was a night with Newark that made it happen, and I will never forget just how torn I was that night, just how hurt I was that night, and the question that rang in my head – WHY?

Newark is a special friend of mine…he is always going to be my friend.  Why he is my friend, and why he is so special well we can deal with that in a different blog.

Newark was in Philly, and he had a situation.  Like a good friend, I went out to help my friend in that situation.

When Reginald found out he went cold.  It was more than not asking ‘permission’ it was that he was jealous of Newark.  He didn’t have to be….once I have made the commitment I am all in…yet he was.

That night I had to choose my Master, over my friend…and when it was clear I had to make that choice, I collapsed into a fetal position on the kitchen floor and wept.

My tears that night were not just for how I was having to treat a friend…but about the choice that I made to serve….and seeing for the first time how that choice was not the right one.

Yet Reginald and I continued for months after that night.  With me falling more in love with him…even knowing that relocation would never happen.

Yes I knew…but I was all in.

I was asked to do things that I was not comfortable with…yet I did them…that is what the ‘good slave’ does.  Those things on occasion were good for me…but more often than not?  They injured me and hindered me.

At the time I was happy to do them, because I wanted to please Reginald….I was unwilling to look at how they would harm me in the long term.

New Year’s was the straw that made the camel look for the exit sign.  What I was required to do that night was beyond even my uncanny ability to justify, and in the weeks after New Year’s it showed.  By the end of January I was at my wits end.

When I asked to be let go, and that request was granted I was suddenly LOST.

I was a slave without a Master…tumbling in space …. and it was so uncomfortable…. that I eventually asked to come ‘home’ even if it was not the right place for me, even if I knew it.

By the time Eleanor’s bullshit hit the fan, and walked away (not asking THIS time) I still was not ready to be a slave without a Master I just knew that the Master could not be Reginald.

That ugly mess was almost a year ago.  In the meantime….single Nicole was okay…..even if she was unsure at times, not single Nicole has found her 98%.

Reginald…not so much.

I lost count of the females really…

As I look out and see yet ANOTHER failure to step into my shoes I chuckle.  Perhaps I should not…but I will chant about that.  In the meantime?  Chuckle.

I have to laugh…because it was that 2 dollar crack whore who helped convince him that I was disloyal, and I was in the wrong.  Yet it was that same slimey bitch who had essentially chased off the ones before me and was perplexed that I didn’t allow her in my head like the ones before me.

Well I am not your average chick.

If I never talk to Waffles again (which is sadly a possibility) Eleanor is still a dirty bitch and I will still never associate with her because of what she did TO Waffles.

And the fact that Reginald keeps Eleanor in his confidence?  heh

As long as that nasty, corrupted, envious whore is in his inner circle….all his attempts to replace me will fall short.

She will run the weak off… and those strong enough to stand will realize he is not worth standing for as long as his choice of friends reflects people like her.

No he will never find another me….I am after all irreplaceable….but he could find someone who comes kind of close….if he ever takes out the garbage.

In the meantime…the one who holds me now?  180 degrees of difference….and I didn’t have to go all the way to Georgia to find the place where I belong.