As heard in Ex-Factor: Who do I have to be to get some reciprocity?
It is the concept of reciprocity that has the figurative pen to paper this morning. Who do I have to be to get some reciprocity? Should I expect reciprocity? Is there such a thing in a D/s relationship?
The answer is: no. It is a qualified no though.
In a D/M/s relationship, reciprocity is not displayed in the manner many ‘vanilla’ folks are accustomed to seeing it displayed. It gets a little deeper. One person agrees to allow another to make the rules, set the pace and the tone, plot the course, and surrenders their authority to interfere in that process. One person agrees to lead the other agrees to follow. In return for that surrender the leader promises to not take them (the couple) to the poor house, to the insane asylum, to jail, and to leave them both better off should the relationship conclude. In theory.
There is reciprocity there, it is just a little different than what most people think of it. Or different at least from how ‘typical’ society feels it should be displayed. One leader, one follower (or possibly more than one) and we all live happily ever after. Or not.
As many people as there are on the planet, equals as many variations of this thing I do in operation worldwide. Every example will be a little different, but there typically are some similarities. It is the differences that lead us along one path, or another, looking for a mate to hop onto Noah’s Ark. Finding the right lid for your part can seem to be a daunting task.
At times you find someone who comes close, who hits 90% of what you think you are looking for, then the other 10% nags and screams and chips at the foundation of what you are building. The 10% that screams for reciprocity. The 10% that says, it is supposed to be THIS WAY!
While you are busy looking for something that fits your imagined image are you fucking up what you already have? Is reciprocity really that important? It absolutely is, but when making the leap from ‘vanilla’ to ‘lifestyle’ are we dragging our perception of reciprocity with us and putting dirt into the water?
Iffin I had to describe who I am as a submissive woman: alpha female, who chooses to submit to someone she views as more alpha than she is, and yes they DO exist.
I describe myself as a lioness.
In the animal kingdom, the lion is the king of the jungle. When he roars the jungle quakes in fear. He lives in a pride, with females and cubs and all recognize that he is the king of the jungle. If you look at the pride, you see that the lioness, does the hunting. She locates the prey, stalks it, kills it, and brings it home for the family. She rears the cubs, showing the female cubs their place, showing the males cubs their place, and protecting the cubs at all costs, even at the cost of the king of the jungle. She mates with the male of the pride, at his command, and kneels before him, not because she is weaker, but because it is her place. The lion patrols and protects the homestead, the lioness is the reason why the homestead exists. It is a fascinating concept, and it is most like what my D/M/s relationships resemble.
Reciprocity.
In this example the lioness gets something, the lion gets something and things are in their natural order. In the jungle it is not questioned it just happens. The lioness does not demand to be treated as an equal, she understands that her place is at the feet of the lion.
Yet she gets reciprocity all the same, in ways that are not visible to discerning adult humans. She does not say, but you didn’t do x or y or z. She allows the king to operate, and trusts that he won’t fuck shit up. On the rare occasion he DOES fuck up, well he leaves the homestead, period.
What is missing in this example is the period of time where the lioness must operate the homestead without the lion being present. Doesn’t happen in the animal kingdom. It does happen in the human condition though, happens all of the time. Perhaps THAT is my issue, not adhering to the law of the animal kingdom, being an animal after all, and operating in a ‘vanilla’ mindset.
It has been my job for a very long time, to be the alpha to all. It conditions and creates a mindset that can be difficult to overcome, even when you meet the lion. To allow nature to be as it was designed, when I have had to ignore nature for 30+ years. It is not a simple task, but it is the task that I said I could accept. In that acceptance I have lapses. Sometimes big sometimes little, the goal for me is to have fewer lapses. I am not there yet.
I can blame it on circumstance, habit, conditioning, the alcohol, but in the end it is about me. Am I giving for what I am getting? That is not my question to answer, it belongs to someone else. Am I getting for what I am giving? The natural answer is yes, the unnatural answer is something a little more detailed, descriptive, and it is still yes.
Reciprocity.
Identifying what you want is the simple part. Getting what you want is the simple part. Keeping what you want is the simple part. Knowing the process to all of that without reciprocity getting in the way doesn’t seem quite so simple. It kind of is though…it really is.
In Ex Factor Lauryn tells the tale of a love so deep and so great that it is the love of her life. That nothing and no one could ever compare. That completes her soul. Yet it also sounds dysfunctional, painful, with lessons learned beyond what most would consider healthy.
Where were you when I needed you? She cries! Is it possible that he was there all along, and her need for reciprocity made it impossible for her to see it?
Loving you is like a battle she says…we both end up with scars. At what point do you stop fighting? Or is it the fight that you love?
Who do I have to be to get some reciprocity? Sometimes you already have it. But then again sometimes like a Mounds, sometimes you don’t.