I should be clear….I think Valentine’s Day is a bunch of bullshit. It is a commercial holiday designed to get folk to spend spend spend in a post holiday hangover. Like most bullshit though, if you fling enough of it …. it will eventually stick.
Typically I am single during Valentine’s Day. Typically I like it. Yes there is that “Noah’s Ark” feeling that hits around 2pm, but coffee gets rid of that. This year I have a wish though:
I would like for my ladies who choose to enter into this lifestyle, and who are NOT entering into this lifestyle WITH a partner to NOT leave their common sense at the door, and to not be victims.
The trigger for this is a debate ongoing in my Fetlife world.
The Dollar Store version:
A young lady had an experience with a Dominant that at the least was not what she planned at the worst criminal.
If she was or was not a victim at the time of the incident, she is now.
I have opinions formed, and I will reserve them. I will not call anyone a liar, nor will I call anyone a criminal, instead I would like to talk about common sense and safety.
I am talking to the women submissives out there, because I most closely relate to you. If there is a request for it I can get into how males, and male Dominants can go into protecting themselves but this is not the post for that. Comment or email me.
In my lifestyle we use a term ‘vanilla’ it is used to describe the general population who chooses to not engage in kink. There is a line of thought that all things vanilla must be checked at the door once you enter this realm.
Common sense and self preservation is not ‘vanilla’ it is universal.
My introduction to this lifestyle came at the hand of the ex. I knew nothing about this life I now live, and thought that he and I were the only 2 kinky people in the world. Ummmm I was wrong. That relationship ended, and it led me to my search for what I now have.
I have a Master that I adore, I have kink in my sex, I have purpose and I will not give that up. I wear it well.
That separation left me in a vulnerable place though. I was single, and I knew that what I’d been doing was no longer going to be enough. I also knew that I had no fucking clue how to catch lightning in a bottle twice.
When I got to Fetlife 2 years ago, I considered myself ‘new’ and I was anxious to learn about what was a whole new world to me. I was also anxious to have once more the connection that I’d had with the ex. I wanted a relationship that had the whips and the chains and the hierarchy.
That is a scary place to be honestly.
Once you realize that you have a taste for this thing that I do, it’s like opiates…you want more and more and more. You won’t stop till you get enough and enough is not something that is ever tangible.
That need can cloud the rational decision making that many of us would have if we were still ‘vanilla’.
Because this is a lifestyle where one rules one follows and obedience without question is the ‘ideal’, we can sometimes lose sight of the fact that we are people too.
New submissives run into Dominants all the time who say all the right things, and then wake up 4 months later going oooops this is not a match for me. If they are lucky.
Sometimes you meet:
The The National Safe Call Network was set up by a slave, local to my area, after an encounter with a dominant who could have killed her during their meeting. She survived….her story is on the website.
For each John Robinson who IS caught how many are not? For each slave Tami who escapes how many do not?
The National Safe Call Network is a tool, but it should not EVER usurp your common sense and proper vetting.
Even if your eventual intention is to enter into a relationship where you will serve your Master, and you no longer have hard limits, and they are the final authority, there is a process that goes with it. You learned it back in the ‘vanilla’ world, it is called dating.
While you may find that you have a definite craving for the slap and tickle, thought MUST be put in before you allow someone to tie your hands and legs, and put a ball gag in your mouth.
I have some suggestions if you are willing to listen:
1. Talk. In today’s instant gratification society it seems so few of us take the time to invest in getting to know someone. Yet this is the someone who you will allow to bind you, in some cases blindfold and gag you, and then pull out all sorts of implements that can do more than just a little physical damage, and yet we fear asking – what is your last name? What?
2. Take your time. No tomorrow is not promised to anyone, but chances are if you are taking the time to read this blog, you are not on an expiration date. Time is your friend. If someone is not genuine you can learn that over time. You may not learn that in 2 weeks, even though you ‘feel’ as if you have known them a lifetime.
3. Investigate. Pipl them, Google them, ask around, WATCH THEM PLAY WITH SOMEONE ELSE! If you are curious about fire play, and the Dominant says they do fire play, allow somone else to be the crash test dummy. mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm – mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmm
If the Dominant can not produce someone who is willing to allow you to watch, ask to talk to the last person they played with. If the bottom looks like this after the incident?:
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| Actor JR Martinez *US Veteran* |
You may want to find someone a little more experienced before you hand them a zippo.
There are some in this lifestyle that would tell you these are very ‘vanilla’ concepts. These types of things show disobedience and ‘topping from the bottom’. It is not the place of the submissive to question.
I say, do we ask ENOUGH questions?
This is not picking up a dude at the local watering hole and having a quickie in the back of your Toyota. There are things that we do in BDSM than can injure, scar, maim, and kill.
Is your safety worth not doing due diligence?
Please do not allow your desire to NOT be alone this Valentine’s Day prevent you from seeing the next 40 Valentine’s Days.
I would guess that statistically most encounters end up with only the ego being a little hurt if things don’t go well.
Are you willing to take that chance that it will be more than your ego because it’s been a whole MONTH since your last flogging?
I am not.