As Mother’s Day approaches I wanted to jot down a few things that were on my mind for my boy…

Mommy loves you.  Your mommy loves you more than any mommy has ever loved any baby in the history of the whole wide world.

Now let’s talk some please, we have some things to iron out.

It is summer or will be if our seasons stop wrestling one another.  I would like to explain that the battle over the socks will only be on hiatus.  It is not over.  I remember when they brought you to me the first time in the hospital.  Your tiny feet were so cold!  I put on a pair of of the socks that I’d brought for you.  I was so proud that I’d had the forward thinking to pack clothes for you during our stay.  I put you in the bassinet and covered you with that tiger blanket and watched your round serene face.  Then your forehead creased.  In all honesty, I thought you were taking your first poop.  I was in awe!  You were doing something for the first time!  I even got out the disposable Kodak camera to take pictures of your first poop!  Then I saw your legs moving – and moving – and moving.  Mom what’s he doing I asked?  We pulled back the blanket and saw your feet going back and forth back and forth.  You did that for at least a half hour.  I was about to call the nurse I was worried.  Then off came the first sock – off came the second.  Your exhausted little hours old body went to sleep then.  We have been battling over you wearing or not wearing socks ever since.  I will win this war.  The war on socks is silly, boy you have to wear socks!  Enjoy this summer because September will arrive again, and the socks are going back on.  Momma don’t play that!

Girls.

I need you to understand my love, no woman will ever be good enough for you.  You are my prince and my standard for you is set so high no woman will ever reach it.  Now I need you to understand there is a covert way to observe the female form.  We were in the supermarket yesterday and you walked into the pole.  Yes she had a nice ass.  It was not nice enough to walk into the pole though.  Now let me help you out here.  Mommy wears those really big sunglasses and it allows her to look at ass without the person KNOWING that I am looking at her ass.  Since I am unable to get you to wear shades we have to work on covert scoping.  It will take some practice but you can do it.  First, watch the hips.  When she is walking towards you the form of her hips can give you warning what the ass looks like.  8 out of 10 times you can tell if there is ogling worth ass coming by the shape of her hips.  I will show you when we go to the park later but its all in the hips son.  When you see the hips headed your way then it is about positioning.  Watch the angle of approach, and then place yourself so that you can get the longest look at the ass.  That will take some practice as well, but we will get you there.  If you place yourself in the correct position then you won’t have to turn and gawk at the ass.  Now sometimes the ass is gawk worthy but there is a way around that as well.

Shoes.

I understand that you are a growing boy.  This happens to be the third pair of sneakers I have bought you this school year though.  This time we had to hit the men’s section.  Men’s shoes cost more than boy’s shoes son, I need you to work on that.  Mommy understands that you are training for the scooter Olympics but mommy needs to also do things like pay the electric bill.  Your harsh treatment of your sneakers is going to have to make your mother rob a bank.  I can’t kiss you good night and tuck you in from Muncy.  Please be more gentle with your shoes son.  Otherwise we are going to have to sell your grandmother.