I’ve always been larger than most of my friends, even if I have not always been this big of a girl.

I was looking at pics from before the man child was born and I realize that well gee I was big then too!

Being big is not the issue for me that it is for many women my size and above.

I would not change almost anything about me, I like myself just how I am.

My being comfortable at my size is disturbing to many people, and they can not understand WHY I would not wish to be another way.

I’m supposed to want to be smaller!  I’m supposed to want a flatter stomach – smaller thighs – and arms that don’t wiggle and jiggle.

I don’t though.

My only female ex had spent a couple grand on JennyCraig before we met.  She was tiny then, well tiny to me, she was about a size 10.

She’s not a size 10 anymore.

When we first met she said she admired my confidence,  and as a bigger woman she never had the same.

I told her something back then, the more weight I gained…the more attractive I felt.   As I lost weight I didn’t feel as sexy, although the world looked at me in a different way.

At a thinner size I felt awkward and could not for the life of me imagine why people wanted to be thin.

It felt un natural to me

I felt more cherished the bigger I was.  I didn’t have to wonder if a man only wanted me for my body, I knew that it was me that he wanted and not someone on his arm that looked the part society said he should be with.

I don’t only wear black clothing, or solid colors.  Ummm I am well over 200 pounds, a little black dress is not going to confuse anyone.  I am fat and the black doesn’t disguise that I am fat, it just looks like midnight is coming early.

I am fat , but I am also shaped funny.

I have only a little tiny ass bump – huge breasts – shapely legs, but strange looking still – and a stomach flap.  Flap is the only way to describe it.

I have all kinds of cellulite and rolls and I am not willing to shove myself into a tent because folk think that I should.

I talk about all of this because this body that I love so much has to change some.  The doctor says that I have high cholesterol and that I am borderline diabetic.  See told you I was fat.  I’d been a ‘healthy’ fat chick all my life, and now I am faced with the concept that I am not healthy.

I am not at a point where I am unhealthy, yet, but without making changes, I could be my mother.  I can’t be her because I have to take care of her, so I have to make some changes.

The Man god bless him just wants me healthy.  I want to be healthy as well.

I won’t take shortcuts, or consider surgical options, I will have to do this the long old fashioned way.  I will not like it Sam I Am.

As I embark on the plan The Man and I set into motion, I wonder if I actually can do this.  I’ve been this way for so long, and there is NOTHING WRONG with how I look.

The idea of losing weight doesn’t really compute for me, not in a traditional sense.

A couple years ago I lost close to 40 pounds, which on this frame is not a lot, but I got so uncomfortable at that size, it was only when I put 20 back on that I felt normal again.

I know that I HAVE to do it….but I am not sure if I WANT to do it.