This weekend I got to let my hair down and enjoy myself. That happens so rarely these days that I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. I figured it out quickly though.
There are so many layers to who I am and what I do that I tell those who are interested to just stick around. It’s simpler than explaining I am a whore, I am a little, I am a baby girl, I am a masochist, I am ___ [ fill in the many other blanks of who I am ]
I usually in a cocky tone of voice say I am every woman, and this past weekend that was pretty close to the truth. If perfection exists and I do believe that it does, this weekend was as close to it as I’ve come since The Man and I parted ways. I’m not over that. Not by a long shot. I will be at some point but that point is not today.
I had a moment in the wee hours of Sunday morning when it hit me that I am not over it, but this weekend was still close to perfect.
Weekend Reunion was a placeholder for the annual Black BEAT conference I’ve written about. Black BEAT is home for me, it will be always. Weekend Reunion was something else all together.
From the first announcement to my arrival the difference was the spirit of the event. If Black BEAT is home – Weekend Reunion was the baptism of the soul and the acceptance of kink as your one and only savior.
It began with transparency. The “Dream Team” told us what they planned, shared their vizion and then politely asked us to share in the experience. People did. Many people did. There were moments when the shit flew. It was not because of their faulty planning rather it was because shit happens when you make plans. The occasional online rough patch didn’t do much to dampen excitement and anticipation, and the countdown began.
By the time Thursday came, I was unsure if I would make it to Weekend Reunion which will be without a doubt the kink event of the year. The universe smiled on me though and arrived I did, with my good friend Bishop into the waiting and loving arms of my kink family.
That first night quite frankly even though I put on the good party face I was too fucking tired to “decide” which version of me would walk out of the hotel room. I just got into the shower tossed on some shorts and looked for trouble.
It found me and well let’s say I am a fortunate girl.
Friday – Sunday was a whirlwind of places and faces. Many new faces, many beautiful faces, and the ability to connect with my kinky community in a fashion that Internet life does not give you. It was also the debut of little Nicole.
It was a safety measure of sorts. Little Nicole was a mask that could be worn that would keep people from seeing the real me. It was a fall back position, to that place that still exists within me where I wonder if people will really like me, although I will swear to you up and down that I don’t give a shit.
It was a safe character to play in a situation where my anxiety was off the charts and my desire was to hide in the hotel room. Had our room not been on the party floor I may have found a way to hide in my room all weekend, but once more shit happens when you make other plans.
A funny thing happened when I was playing a little girl though. I was really a little girl. I really was skipping through the hallways. I really was giggling and smiling and asking strangers for candy. I really was playing blocks and jacks and coloring and having the fucking time of my life. I was no longer an actress playing a character, I was Nicole being in the moment. I had a tiara and a magic wand and I was more free than any other time I’ve been with the exception of kneeling in front of The Man.
I didn’t plan to be Little Nicole but her emergence was obviously something that I needed because it was where I stayed. I was happier than I’ve ever been in a dungeon. I was more relaxed than I’ve ever been in the crowd. I was no longer hiding behind a carefully crafted image of the person I wanted you to see, I was being the person that I needed to be.
In the days since Weekend Reunion countless people told me that seeing my little touched them in a way they didn’t see coming. How do I properly explain that it touched me as well?
Little Nicole has come out with others but she’s never gotten to stay out and play and exist as if she belonged – until Weekend Reunion.
By the time we gravitated to the party floor Little Nicole was sleepy. I was able to shower and put her to bed with Cola and the Nicole who emerged from the shower this time was emboldened by the freedom and acceptance of those around her. I didn’t have to wear the mask of a little or any other mask. I could bounce up the hallway butt assed naked (and I did for a time) and just breathe and be.
Little Nicole came out for the dungeon night two as well and she had even MORE fun than the night before. By the time the party moved to the party floor again, the transition was the same. Little Nicole could go to sleep and the me who emerged was as authentic as anyone will ever see that I don’t belong to.
If you had the opportunity to see me this past weekend you saw the real me – the me that I thought I would keep hidden from you forever.
What I realized though is that there are times that it is okay to be just me so I will be letting her out more often.
Probably.
Aphrodite Brown aka Nicole