Hi Aphrodite

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 months now.  Things are pretty good between us but recently I became suspicious.  I knew that she was a bisexual woman when I met her, she told me almost right away.  I don’t have a problem with it but we agreed that we would have a monogamous relationship.  I went through her phone and found out she’s been going out for drinks and lunch with a female co-worker.  They’ve gone out 5 times from what I could get from their messages to each other.  I think that my girlfriend might be cheating on me with this other woman but I don’t want her to know I went through her phone.  How do I find out what is really going on between the two of them?

“David”

 

[Editor’s Note: David is not the name of the person seeking advice]

Dear David

there is a lot going on here but I will share with you what I share with women who ask similar questions.

First – the sexual identification of your partner does not increase or decrease the chance that they will cheat on you.  If the two of you agree to a monogamous relationship you should not assume that because there is an attraction to both sexes that their libido is uncontrollable and they will step out on you.  A person chooses to be monogamous or they don’t.  That goes for any and every sexual identity there is.

Second – You should not be going through your partner’s cell phone.  If you think that they are not trustworthy enough to have that level of privacy then you should not be in a relationship with them.  You should trust your partner and going through their cell phone is a sign of you not trusting them.

Third – how do you know that the interaction between your girlfriend and her co-worker is anything other than friendship?  Have you never gone to lunch with another co-worker?  Have you never gone out for drinks after work with a group of people you work with or stop to have a beer with one of the guys on the job?  Did you fall into bed with any of them?

What you are describing is a relationship were you do not trust your partner.  I have no idea if you should or should not, I just know that you DO not.  So I have to ask if you can’t trust her why are you investing your time and energy into a relationship with her?

I have no idea if she’s given you reason not to trust her, or if this is simply insecurity on your part without her prompting, but the absence of trust is a death knoll to your relationship that has not yet rung.

It sounds like you are of the impression that someone who is attracted to both sexes cannot control their urges and is compelled to act on them.  That is not true.  Her attraction to girls will not make her more likely to cheat on you than the fact that she brushes her teeth in the morning.

Now how do you find out what (if anything) is going on with her and that co-worker?  You ask her.  You fess up to going through her phone and you ask her if she is having a sexual relationship with anyone who is not you.

My question is will you believe what she says?

We can’t assume anything when it comes to our partners we have to invest time, and learn who they are as a person.  Once we do that we have to trust in what we’ve learned and decide if they are acceptable to our personal standards.  That is going to be different for every individual.

My advice is if you do not believe her after you have this discussion then you have to take the time to decide if you want to remain in a relationship with a person who you think is a liar.  That is your decision to make not mine.

 

Best of luck “David”

 

Aphrodite Brown