Dear Aphrodite:

My guy and I have been together 3 years now. We have a pretty good relationship except for one thing. Our sex drives don’t match. I am okay with it once, maybe twice a week.  If it were up to him we would go at it once or twice a day.

That is not the problem though.  The issue is he masturbates – A LOT!

I catch him 3 or 4 times a week in the shower masturbating, and every time I do we have an argument.  I know I don’t want sex as much as he does but I think he owes it to me as his girlfriend to wait and not be so greedy that he has to touch himself all of the time.

It’s not a huge problem yet, but I don’t know how I am supposed to keep looking the other way.  He always says well at least I am not out there screwing other women, but I don’t see it as much of a difference.

Well let’s start with yes there is a HUGE difference between your partner masturbating and your partner cheating on you.

Masturbation is a normal part of human sexuality. Yes it can be excessive, but from what you describe as about 3 times a week I don’t know that frequency could be considered excessive.

Your partner is not going to get someone pregnant or bring home and STI by masturbating.  What he is doing it filling a physical need of his without disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship and without pressuring you to do that which you find uncomfortable.

He sounds pretty respectful so far.

What sounds like a problem is your attitude towards his masturbation.  Why do you think that the only sexual release he should have is penis in vagina sex with you?  If he really isn’t cheating, and he really isn’t harassing you to give him intercourse more often the problem might not be him… it might be you.

Couples should not define their relationships by sex, but sexual incompatibility can certainly kill a relationship.

It sounds like your sex drives don’t meet up well, and so far he’s been willing to work through this disparity to retain the relationship.  Continue to argue with him about a normal behavior like masturbation and he might eventually look elsewhere either for sexual gratification or less complications.

I don’t know why you have this issue but I will say that it is your issue not his.

My suggestion is to talk to him about ways the two of you can increase your intimacy without sexual penetration and that might stimulate you to want it a little more and him to want it a little less.

It does sound you need to lighten up but it sounds like you need to communicate and talk to your partner even more.

 

Aphrodite Brown