My little one worries about me. She fears that the way I express myself here and in other locations will give the wrong impression to others. She understands that I am loving, and gentle, and intelligent, and silly and wants others to see me the way she does. I tell her often that I don’t care, and I don’t. How she sees me matters. How others perceive me does not. It is important to me to remain authentic to myself and I understand at times that will ruffle the feathers of others.
That is the risk I am willing to take to maintain my own peace.
To maintain my own peace it is important that I speak my piece. I dislike ambiguity, I prefer you know exactly who and what I am so that you make the informed decision to fuck with me or not. That being said there are things I did not address out of deference to the man I love. He’s earned his right to expect that of me. It is my job to live up to that expectation.
He also understands me better than most and understands my needs. With his permission this gets written. I said with his permission. Permission does not imply agreement. The views expressed always have been and always will be my own. I speak for no one other than myself.
Dissenting points of view are always welcome. Dissenting points of view are never edited.
I’ve described my commitment to the event known as Black BEAT as a love/hate relationship. Today I’ve transitioned from there to apathy. I no longer have the energy to invest in shaping the vizion of anyone about Black BEAT.
I do have the energy and the obligation to disclose things that need to rest in the light. I don’t like the dark. I live in the light and I won’t live my life in the dark.
Leading up to BB 2014 I’ve been vocal about that which troubles me about the event – troubles me about those who organize – troubles me about the future of the event which I’ve always felt until now was worthy of preserving.
Even though I encountered so many wonderful things this year, that wonder existed despite BB not because of BB. That wonder which fed my soul can be found elsewhere, and it will be for me at least. I have other options and I am going to exercise them with glee.
The details of how BB broke my heart are documented elsewhere. I will reactivate those other blogs at some point today and you may read them if you wish. This blog is about BB 2014 and all that proved to me my decision was the right one for me.
When B was approached to be a part of the new BB “core” committee I feared for him. I did not want that for my best friend. He’s a grown man though and I cannot tell him what to do, not even then when were were only friends. My one statement to him when he decided to work was – you don’t get to hurt my friend without consequences.
When our relationship transitioned from friendship to power exchange, I had to suppress even more my opinions and feelings. I respect my man, I respect the position he’s earned in my life. His word is the last, my agreement is not required. My obedience is expected. If not for our relationship things could have been much worse in the months he worked for the core committee. It got to the point that I wanted to burn the world for the frustration I heard in his voice at times and when combined with my inability to assist him or fix it for him could have separated us. I am inclined when watching people I care about in pain to walk away if they won’t take steps to mitigate that pain.
Instead of walking away though what I was able to do thanks to our power exchange was put into action a process to manage this conflict. That process worked.
This blog is a part of that process.
I registered for BB back in December of 2013. I was one of the first five people to register. When I registered my request was simple. Please provide hotel accommodations for me. Please give me a room on the seventh floor that faces the pool. Please give me a room with a king bed.
At the end of July my email confirmation from the host hotel confirmed I was booked. The email congratulated me on securing my non smoking double.
I sent an email to BB registration that day. It was answered that day indicating that my accommodations were changed and I had a room with a king bed. I called the hotel directly to confirm that the change was made and they gave confirmation.
When you register for BB you understand that hotel rooms are assigned via a process. That process is that VIP registrants get first choice of hotel floor. Committee members get choice of hotel floor. Other registrants are assigned their hotel floor/rooms on a first come first serve basis.
When B and I arrived at the hotel the front desk happily handed us the keys to our room on the fourth floor.
When I spoke with a core committee member about our hotel room I was told that BB had no control over the hotel rooms, that the hotel itself assigned the rooms out of the control of the BB organizers.
The hotel has no issue with me. I’ve given that hotel great reviews on Trip Advisor and all they know of me is that my money is green and they can spend it. I know the hotel has no personal ax to grind with me because during the check in process when I questioned why my room was not on the 7th floor, they told me I do have a room reserved for the 7th floor in June 2015. I am going back to that hotel for a different event, 10 months away, but that reservation is confirmed, to my request.
That should be the perk of registering early. An organization that values their consumer does what it can to make sure those who choose to spend their money with you are happy.
Why am I bitching about a room when I had such a wonderful time?
I am bitching about it because it was petty, it was spiteful, and it was disrespectful to B.
It is not a secret that I am B’s girl. It is not a secret that two people in a relationship are going to want to sleep in the same room.
If my early registration was not enough to secure my room, the presence of B in that room should have been enough. It was not though. It was not on purpose.
The idea that it was the fault of the hotel that I was denied a reasonable request is preposterous. Any possible explanation presented to me by founder Diamond would have been
a lie
a sign of incompetence
a presence of both
The thing is, there was still a way that she could have salvaged the situation that would have denied me this outlet and vent.
She could have said that there was a registration error, apologize and explain the error was theirs but all of the rooms already have occupants. That would’ve put me in the position of demanding that someone vacate their room or leaving it alone. I am an asshole, don’t mistake that… but demanding that someone pack their things and vacate a room is not something that I would do. Simple things like that are why BB has the issues it has.
One of the founders is so short sighted, so petty, so insecure that rather than do what should be done to secure the good will of a consumer and the potential for bad press she allowed her animosity towards me to allow this situation to occur.
Liking me is not a requirement. I can show you where the line ends for people who don’t like me. That line is long though, you might want to pack a sandwich – perhaps two and a bottle of water. There are port a potties along the route.
If you are operating a business, and more specifically a for profit business, you have an obligation to the consumer. That obligation is disregarded with reckless abandon by Diamond and that is the failing that prompted my apathy.
Reckless abandon means that when you write out my name tag you spell it wrong. Let’s not even get into how it is my legal name, not a pseudonym, and it is how I present on social media. You do things like that when you want to take a dig at someone that annoys you. That is not professional.
If my presence is that much of a pain in the ass the options are kill me with kindness, or prevent my presence. Yes, it is that simple.
What you don’t do is cheapen the value of your keynote speaker — who by the way also encouraged you to step out of the dark and into the light — you don’t abuse her words by using them as an opportunity to throw shade at me. That behavior is adolescent. Yes, that is the nicest word I can use there.
At the end of it all though? I expected no better of you because you’ve displayed over the years that this is who you are. In short, you’ve told me who you are so I believe you.
What is not acceptable is to punish B for choosing me. First, who he chooses in his personal life is none of your fucking business. It’s his dick, he can stick it where he chooses, and it is none of your concern. If there was concern about how his relationship with me might impact his participation:
First that concern was/is not warranted. He is a grown man and he doesn’t do things he does not want to do. He is a dominant man. He makes the rules in our relationship, not me. There is nothing that I could do or say that would interfere with his commitment to the core committee. The fact that it would even be a consideration on your part is insulting to him.
Second it is/was his presence on your core committee that has kept me from going medieval on your group. I have his back no matter what. A part of that meant me holding my tongue because of him. You’ve been spared my ugliest because of my love for him. My love for him had me volunteering my own time, without compensation to set up your vendors, and prepared to help unload your dungeon equipment working next to a man that I despise. My commitment to him is unwavering even to the point that I would help you even though you’ve given me your ass to kiss on more than one occasion.
Even now I spare you for his sake. You should thank him for that, you really should.
I expected you to be petty, it is the disrespect you show him by doing it that I speak about.
You made purposeful decisions that by their presence insulted him and that is a sin that is not forgivable to me. You don’t get to hurt my friend, so you absolutely do not get to hurt my Daddy.
This weekend you did. I won’t forget.
I normally sign off as Aphrodite, but this one deserves
Nicole