I am taking a day break from the 30 days of truth series to record some things I am going to want to come back to later.

Starting over.

It actually took until just a few moments ago to realize that I’ve been doing this now for 7 years. I remember back then, I didn’t think I had seven days worth of this in my but I’ve done this for 7 years.

This would be living with mom and caring for her and Clyde.

Talk about your irony.

But yeah, just before I got to typing here I realized it was 7 years ago that mom came home from rehab after her stroke.  The day she came home Clyde was bonkers.  His grandmom was home and there was celebration to be had.  The celebration included stealing my ribs and greens I’d had my mouth all set for.. but Bonnie was home so it was a small sacrifice to make.

Seven years later I brought Bonnie home from rehab, and I am thinking of the same decisions now that I did then.

The plan alllll the way back then was to get Bonnie home and then pack up and leave for Reno.  Reno, Nevada. It would put me 29 miles away from the man I loved.  It would be a new start to our chapters in life and everyone would live happily every after the end.

That didn’t happen.

My happy chapters with him would come later and they would be cut short.  I have still not yet set foot in the city of Reno, let alone taken up residence there.

I am thinking of starting over though. I am thinking that it really might be what we all need. Starting over doesn’t mean Reno. It does mean moving though. I’ve been wary about upsetting the apple cart.  Who the hell would not?  I am learning though that I am tougher than I know, that Bonnie and Clyde are more resilient than I give them credit for, Onyx the cat cares less as long as the litter is clean and the food is fresh.

I can hang onto the past 7 years, or I can start fresh with a new set of 7.

What I’ve learned is that as long as we are all together, that is what matters.  We’ve had rough patches over the past 7 years.  Some dark moments I did not think I would come out on the other side of to tell the truth.  I’ve shed more than one tear and stayed awake more than one night fearing the collapse of the house of cards I built to shelter us.

Through all of that though?  We were together.  We drew strength from each other.  As long as we were together we were just fine.  So why not take the chance and be altogether some place else?

I know that the change of scenery will do wonders for me.  I suspect that it will for Clyde and Bonnie as well.  I know that many of the services that we now have we can get elsewhere.  Perhaps not the home health aides but there might not be a downside in not having to train a new nurse.

The one thing that worries me is being without backup.  In all reality though, am I not in that place right now?  When you call someone and ask for something simple, something that you in their place would extend immediately and their response is crickets? That back up thing doesn’t really exist does it?

I cam make new connections, shit I might even be able to go back to work.  Wouldn’t THAT be something?

All I know is that it is not an impossibility, while staying where we are might really just be.

 

Just tossing that out there universe, let me know what you think ok?

 

Aphrodite Brown