I used to tell the story of a man I loved. Got damn I once would have told you he was the love of my life and that kind of love I would never find again. 

Last night I had a nightmare about that one true love and I woke up hurried to record it before I forgot it. The nightmare in essence left me afraid and alone, just like that one true love left me every time he left me. Yes there was more than one time.

Instead of that nightmare today I got to spend my morning with B

We loaded up the car and off to the races we went.  Time is not always on our side. We have to carve out our segments and sometimes that is difficult. Even knowing I was coming back to a house less than what I want it to be at the moment didn’t stop my peace, or my joy at being in his arms and surrounded by those I love.

I needed these hours today, and B gave them to me selflessly. He took care of me in a way I could never expect of that one true love and it made my fear go away.

It doesn’t stop everything else going on but it gives me a center to walk from in the chaos.  I can’t stress how important that is, why I need it, and why I am thankful to B for his own accountability

Because he wants to not because he has to he invests himself in more than just my vagina, and more than lip service to the phrase you belong to me.

Ive belonged to others who when rubber meets road and there has to be action from someone other than me no action was taken. Not unlike my nightmare what I got was a “that’s unfortunate” while I stood alone to slay the dragons at my door.  While I am actually a pretty good dragon slayer, having someone else to wield the sword is comforting.

When I refer to B to the vanilla folks I call him my partner. In many ways he is, this is OUR journey together even if he is the one who makes the rules.  I can trust home to make those rules, even with his flaws because if something goes sideways I know I won’t be alone to pick up the pieces.

B will roll around with me in the broken glass if needed so that I am not alone wearing the scars of life.

That means something to me when I look at my history.

Pour transparency rule works in our favor.  It brings up at times some challenges but so far we’ve met those challenges head on and come out stronger on the other side. I can rest my tears on his Old Navy shirt and know that they won’t last forever, and he doesn’t care.

Yes I have tears, the doctors refuse to remove my tear ducts. Some silly thing about my eyes needing them. Pffftt.

When in the past I’ve tried to hold my dominant accountable for their responsibility to ME I was met with release, with heart ache, with courtrooms even. I don’t have to try to hold B accountable.  He does that himself and by extension we both benefit from it.

now…. I have to get Bonnie to stop flirting with him. Pray my strength.

 

Aphrodite Brown