October is the month of my birth. In a few short days 42 arrives. I ain’t ready.  I haven’t been ready for much of what’s been dropped in my lap lately. I manage though, I often do.

My grand plan for October included a fresh new series of blogs addressing Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse. This series would specifically address the issue from the context of alternative lifestyle, specifically BDSM.

I know there is a need for the series and resources. I am setting myself up for a 2015 nomination I said to myself even as 2014 still remains unresolved.  Then I went to the keyboard and nothing came out. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to admit my truth :  my former intimate partner abused me, even in the context of BDSM.

I don’t speak of that abuse as physical. The bruises which were physical I asked for, I craved, I begged for more.  The masochist in me can take an ass whupping no doubt. Being honest?……he didn’t bring the pain ENOUGH at times.

The bruises which were mental and emotional that was abuse.

It’s taken a very long time to admit this.  That my being able to see this pattern in others happens because of my prior path.  It takes a lot to admit my steadfast positions on abuse come from my desire no other man or woman live as I lived.

It also makes me question if I go over the top because I refused to admit this to myself.  It feels as if my passion and anger when I witness it comes not just from wanting to protect another, but at being unable to protect myself – violation of the prime directive.

Thank you Dr. _____ who I cannot name because of ethics but who gave me the safe place to explore this, and keeping quiet enough to watch me STOP myself from blaming the victim, me.

My session Thursday was full from beginning to end with the issues facing me.  Not all of then are about that past relationship, but the ones that were began to affect other things in my life.

I spoke aloud about the choices I made, and yes they were choices, but they came from a place of conditioning not consent.  By the 12th time I said it was my fault, I didn’t believe it any longer because the advocate I am who points out victim blaming was screaming so loudly I had no other option but to stop.

I can say I made choices.  I can say I went back. I can say I suffered loss because I went back. I can say I fear going back. I can also say I was abused.

I can own my decisions while also understanding under different conditioning I would make different decisions. Both exist parallel and both resulted in the me I am today.

As my therapist and I discuss what prompts my behavior, I can understand my choices today with the knowledge I now possess are not the choices I made then.  I can forgive myself off being me because today I am different.

That difference is going to make me a kick ass clinician. It won’t let me be the doctor I fear because I’ve seen it, I will be the doctor who does better.  I an going to change the world because the me I am now knows it’s possible.  Retreat is not an option.

Denying my abuse is also not an option.  It is a part of what made me it is why I didn’t spend a decade falling victim to emotional blackmail when it last landed on my doorstep.  I saw it – I left it – I am better for it.

Significant healing is still on my horizon.  I’ve only just made the admission, I now have to let a scab crust.

Maybe now I can begin the series that will bring home the win for 2015.  Stay tuned.

 

Aphrodite Brown