welcome to my world

Yesterday afternoon I told someone – I can’t help you.

If you’ve gotten to know me ever, you understand how difficult that sentence is for me to say. Ever.

I am good at helping others.  I excel at it. I am going to spend the rest of my professional life doing just that. If I’ve gotten to the point where I say I cannot help you it means I am back to surviving and no longer living.

I though this was a battle I fought, perhaps it was and I just never realized that the war never ends.

Twice yesterday I had to battle back from just shutting down. I don’t mean a soft shut down, I mean one of ode hard shut downs like hitting control+alt+delete and praying for the best.

Three other adults at the table watched me shaking and weeping. Two of the three are trained in some form or fashion to understand that there are breakdowns and you have to ride through them. One at least is trained to allow me the space to do just that as long as I am not a danger to myself or another.

What I brought back here with me after it all, is that at the conclusion of this process it is all back to me. This rodeo show is all me all the time and while I absolutely cannot do this without the assistance of others, when failure and setbacks and hiccups occur they still fall all on me.

I am required to share my success.

I am required to absorb my failures.

I know I was never promised fairness but with all that touches my psyche these days that reminder seems a lot to carry.

I got a tiny bit of a boost.  My work is being published again.  While I am still having issues with the overseas site my “local” publisher has finally launched.  It feels good to see my work out there again.

Right now my abilities seem to be get to therapy, plot revenge and sleep.  There is not a lot of multi tasking on deck here.

Part of this frustration is waiting.  Waiting for this phone call or that one.  Waiting for the next appointment. Waiting,

waiting for people to understand.

I ask their understanding when I myself don’t fully grasp things.

B and I picked each other for the exact same reason. Now those reasons are what might keep us apart.

Frustrating that in all the perfection that’s surrounded me through my life….my fatal flaws kill everything.

 

Aphrodite Brown