Happy Birthday.

It feels unreal. Up until last year I’ve never not been there with you, now it’s number two. You won’t read these letters, but I am gonna write them anyhow.

You’re 15. It doesn’t feel like you should be 15 to me. It feels like you are still my little boy who I could hold in just one arm. You were heavy, but I could hold you in one arm once upon a time.

I remember when I woke in recovery, they over corrected with my anesthesia so I was asleep when you got here. 2:22 pm it was according  to the birth record.

I don’t have that any more, I’ve lost so much of our physical history but it’s all in my head. All of it.

I called you Kayla for 31 weeks.  You were delivered in week 36 and for that entire gestation I thought you were a girl.  Your name was going to be Kayla Katherine Kimathi _____. You had other plans though and I have to say I like your plan better.

Being around other children shows me just how perfect you are.  You’re stubborn as shit.  You’re anti social. You’re perfect because you are the only child the universe could send me.  Fifteen years later I understand that so much better than I did the day they put you into my arms. We’ve grown together, and in that growth I realize we are a great fit for parent and child.  That doesn’t always happen, we are very fortunate.

You may never have a child of your own so you may not achieve the knowledge I did through experience but the fact we are a good mommy/son fit is important.

I imagined you different at 15. Honestly I thought we’d be playing football or lacrosse and searching for colleges by now. That wasn’t in the cards for us though, our path is different.

I am angry beyond words at the year which was stolen from us.  I dread the days ahead before we are reunited, but I never stopped loving you. I know the pain of a parent abandoning you, this separation wasn’t my choice.

It was my fault. I chose Andrea. I was stubborn enough to not let that old house go when I should’ve. My imperfections put us in the position that when Andrea chose to lash out at me, you were harmed in the process.

I can’t change it. I will avenge it. Right now though I just want to tell you that even though I wasn’t there today, there are going to be hundreds and thousands of days ahead where I will be there.

I will sign off telling you what I’ve said to you every day since you took up residence in my uterus:

Mommy loves you more than any mommy has ever loved any baby in the history of the world.