roll silently at times

This is one of those moments. Where “reality” hits and I cannot stop the tears.

for about an hour now I’ve listened to the words of a child I love. For about an hour now I am reminded love has never, ever been enough nor will it ever be enough.

Yes I have entitlement complex. That my life should be something more than it is in this moment. Always have, and therapy aside I might always have it.

I try to do the right thing though, even when I do not always succeed. I fail more than I succeed and it often prevents me from trying. The pain of failure is more than I can handle most days and nights.

Insomnia is my old friend tonight as I realize my time here is….done.

It is one thing to have to answer the question I mean she has to ask right? I don’t judge her – much for asking. I would as well.  You kind of have to, when the facts point in my direction.

Its not unlike Bonnie asking when she would ask.  At least Bonnie though had a history which gave her a reason.

She asked, I answered.

What I didn’t expect was to hear what I’ve heard. Imperfect I remain, as always but I thought in my head at least that I was purposeful. I thought I helped. I thought through it all, we were forging a path together, and I had no idea how wrong I was.

I will attribute some of this to misplaced anger.  What I’ve learned though is that in times of stress….there is truth.

Her truth and my truth don’t mesh and an end has come.

I remember saying if it ever becomes too much. That was my error that I assumed she would do that. The adult thing.

I expected that before we got here we’d have opportunity to fix things. They cannot be fixed now. Not after the accusations. Not after hearing her words.

I feel stupid.

I feel betrayed.

She feels betrayed, and I cannot help that except to say, it’s not what you think.

I have helped, I know that. I’ve hurt also I know that.

I gave of myself I know what that took out of me if no one else does. As is customary the details are the Devil and I don’t speak out as I could or should. Instead I’m popping pills and trying to breathe and using silent tears to tell a story she won’t want to hear.

Shit it’s also a story I don’t want to hear and I live it every hour of every day.

I told a shrink once that I destroy all that is around me.  It’s why I retreat. Self harm is acceptable in some ways.

Some.

Harming others though I try not to, even though I don’t succeed.

While I haven’t carried the weight I’ve carried in the last decade, I haven’t been idle.

I’ve asked myself a similar question to the one I heard from her mouth: can this work?

I wondered if two more years of this was worth it, and while I told myself I could do it, I doubted it. Severely

Now I know for sure, even while she speaks to everyone but me.

I can’t she can’t we can’t.

Another set back I have to battle back from.

If I have the strength.

Aphrodite