This is supposed to be the place where I tell the truth about me.  I don’t always, or I haven’t always.  I stretched the truth about my relationship with Gei because I am not unlike other human beings… I don’t want to admit failure, or expose myself to ridicule.

Since then I’ve been pretty good about being “real”.  This is one of those moments, I am lonely.

I know that part of it is my erratic meds routine.  I am working on fixing that but I haven’t mastered that yet.  I know better….I am just not doing better yet.

It took watching what should be a happy moment on my timeline to admit to myself that I want some of that.  I don’t want specifically that, but I want the ability to have what I witnessed.

It is a simple thing.  I want someone to give enough of a shit about me to not just send me a happy birthday text but to be physically here.  Buy or bake me a cake – put 70000 candles on it and sing Happy Birthday to me horribly.

I have people in my life who would do that. I have also made such a external persona even to the people inside of my circle that they may not know I need that. I present myself that I am not that emotional touch feeler but when I look at that video I admit that I want some of that.

The irony of the video is that it’s a guy I’ve occasionally had sex with in the video.  He rescheduled one of our sex sessions because it was the day before his birthday.  He asserted to me that he was single, correction he said he was “dating” when we first hooked up.  At this moment where I don’t know that I can manage a “relationship” the occasional sex session is all that I ask for from him.  Well I also asked for honesty but in what is the human condition he opted to not tell the whole truth.

I’m not mad, and I don’t think I am gonna stop having sex with him.

I am witnessing though a new-ish conflict within myself.

This goes slightly beyond the do I want to deal with the karma of fucking someone else’s man.  The short answer to that is …. Eh.

I am not overly concerned with that even though the karma to that isn’t cute.  I am just not at a monument where I am worried about it.  Could/Should I be?  Perhaps but I am single, he is grown, and well shit happens.

What bothered me though is not just that he lied, and will continue to lie if I press him on it, but that the relationship is more invested than “dating”.  It is inside my head at least.

When I occasionally run across a photo of the two of them together, it is the proper side by side smile of people dating.  Cool.  Then you go to the comments and people connected to their public life in a way I am not comment on how happy a couple they are and seem.

Oh?

Me still being some of a girl even if I am not mostly a girl went back to their older photos. She calls him mom “mom’. Hmmmmmm

What sealed the envelope for me is the video.

He’s surrounded by his children and who can’t find a smile with that? It dawned on me though that this was his house, and his kids and she’s holding the “camera”.  That speaks to more than just dating for me.  It was a lot to introduce Clyde to B, and he was my friend for years.  Clyde knows or at least met Newark, but again he was a friend and will always be a friend.

Those two men will always be a part of my life even if they are not always my intimate partner and it still took YEARS for me to expose my child to them.

The concept that even if I was that kind of girl who had birthday celebrations that I would invite someone casual into that? Nope.

So I am met with the moral dilemma of knowing it’s deeper than I was led to believe and now having to re-decide how I want to proceed.

I am also met with the reality that I am lonely.

That 40 second video brought to the surface all that I am missing in my life at the moment.  It slapped my facade aside and on my first four days off in a row since I started this job I am realizing how big this tiny apartment is for me.

It is more than just not having my munchkin with me.  It is that I am without adult companionship as I am designed to need.

I finally got to sleep the first two days.  On the third day I had to go into the office for a staff meeting and I broadside that into 6 hours of pay.

Today though, on the fourth day, I understand and know that I am in need of more than what I have, while also not knowing how to grab that out the universe.

 

Aphrodite Brown