Event Drop has finally arrived in these parts.  Now I recall why I had the specific plans I had and why they were necessary.

I had a list of things to do after an event which included sleep, vitamins B&C, sex and S&M.  I had it down to a science to help me drop evenly.  This year no such plan and I feel the pains.

Sleep waited while work called, and called and called.  Vitamins were taken which helped keep at bey the event cold. The sex and the S&M? No where to be found this time.

In slightly related news, things may not be over with IceCold. The party was a hit, thank you to my wolf for the nudge to get her written.  The party reopened a door I’d closed, and the advice of a like mind told me that I was being too harsh.

Ironically I told HER she was being too harsh, and like all good advice it will eventually return to you.  I have more time to think it over, but I know where I am leaning and it is towards that moment I had a month or so back.

A bird in the hand….

In the gaps of my days when I have them…life is busy right now, I think about things that are going on.

My Bonnie is steadily getting worse.  I tell myself that it was going to happen one way or another.  That is the nature of her illness.  One day soon she won’t remember me at all and when that happens I won’t know how to process it.  I won’t know how to process it because I still believe that if we were on Limekiln she would not be this bad.  If she were surrounded my love and familiarity and had to use her brain to figure out how to steal cigarettes then our time together would be extended.  I know in a sense that isn’t true, but it still feels wrong to not have her here with me.

My Clyde is adjusting to his new surroundings and I have a severe decision to make in the next month.

At some point in our future, shared living was going to happen for my Clyde.  The reality is I cannot live forever, and he can never live alone.  The transition was going to happen if for no other reason that he would be someplace safe when my time on this earth was up.

He has no other family besides our Bonnie, no one else to love and care for him.

His current placement might be best for him.  It is the transitional location I would be looking for in a year or two anyhow if the incident never happened.  The incident did happen though and even though we’ve been robbed of 3 years of each other, I have to decide what comes next.

It can’t be a selfish decision either way.  It has to be what is best for my munchkin.  No matter how the sword falls it will cut me.

In the gaps of my day these are the ponderings I process.  I wonder how to make a life outside of my Bonnie & Clyde if that is what needs to happen.

In the gaps of my days this apartment seems to big and it feels empty.  In the gaps I feel empty.  Prior to the incident I loved for them.  After the incident I fought for them.  Today I stand at the fork in the road paralyzed.

Work helps having 8-10 hours a day without silence gets me out of my head, if only for a while.

In the gaps though silence is replaced with a seemingly endless narrative of questions I do not have the answers.

 

Aphrodite Brown