My current superpower is being able to miss what ever SEPTA bus I am trying to catch, this also includes trains.  If there is a close runner up to that talent, it’s my ability to cut and run when there is a choice to make.

Libras like myself are considered by many to be indecisive. It’s not that we can’t make decisions, rather, it’s that we understand that those decisions will have a consequence and we need to be right. I need to be right.

While I have the talent to look at data and discern the correct answers – unless it is Algebra – that doesn’t mean I shut off my instincts.

I think that I should at times, instinct is flawed and the universe manipulative at times. What seems like a good idea based on my gut, can turn out to be wrong.

Example – when I found out that Gei wasn’t in California my gut said, if you can talk to him you can work this out.

The data said, BITCH RUN.

My gut, in this case my heart and emotions said: don’t give up on love.

Instead of running I conducted a 3 week long campaign that eventually resulted in an appearance in a courtroom and my firm decision that this was finally over.

Then came October 2010 and what was over was new again.

Over the course of a sleepless night, after a shower where there was almost as much water flowing from my tear ducts as the shower head, after talking myself into the “right” decision after a bus and train ride, after going through 4 different floors of a courthouse the decision is deferred.

Despite my paperwork I am looking at as I type, there was a different court date. Last week according to grahamcrackers.

My decision and my stoic resolve must wait for a different time.

In this moment I am angry, and anger is familiar to me.  It is comfortable and I understand it.  It is a path I know and it is simple to walk. In this moment it’s about not allowing this decision to be made without my presence, and I am asking myself if that is aligned with the choice I made only just a couple of hours ago.

This might be the universe showing me I have the chance to get this “right”.

I tried to explain this logic to X last night but it was via text message. It was not a conversation I wanted to have via text but I didn’t feel it was proper to not answer his questions. I hate that I already can’t say no to him but that is another blog, which might also include how he was able to come back from the proverbial dead to me status he once occupied.

In those texts I bared most, not all but most, and I waited. I waited for his response. Not his response to the predicament, I inherently knew what that would be, but his response to my request of the night much earlier.

Will you tell me a story? 

In the absence of that response I moved ahead today, carrying that weight along with the weight of the choice.

When that choice was delayed, I found anger.

I found anger again at Andrea.

I found anger at the court.

I found anger at X.

I found anger at a sleepless night.

I found anger at the vodka I drank trying to kill the emotions I am suddenly able to experience again.

I found anger at grahamcrackers.

There was so much anger it was simple to hold it, caress it, and wear it.

I am still angry, but in the absence of that anger because it will eventually fade some, I have to go back to that choice.  I have to revisit that decision.  I have two paths in front of me and I must choose one.

I need to make the “right” choice.

I have to somehow remove myself from the equation and do what is best for my Clyde.

I might have to admit to myself, that might not be ME right now.

And when I settle on that choice I have to figure out where X goes in that decision.

That is if he stands tall with the decision my anger put onto his plate this morning.

I know what I want his reaction to be.  I know what I want from him.  I want him to take this decision out of my hands so that I have someplace to assign blame if that decision is not “right”.

In this moment though I know that the buck stops here and must be independent of his counsel.

What I don’t know because I can’t see past my anger is if my decision will stand.

I still have to only choose one.

 

Aphrodite Brown