It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.

I’ve had to think a lot about what I want lately.  I thought I knew it all before and then the universe throws some shit at you and laughs.

I want naked breakfast.

I’ve gotten used to it since I got the keys here.  Too used to it, but I still want it.  As big as this place seems on the nights my munchkin is not here, I still want naked breakfast.  This ordeal has taught me that I NEED naked breakfast.  I need those quiet moments when it is just me, some coffee, a Marlboro and Sam Cooke.  Sometimes it’s Aretha Fraklin, sometimes it’s Wu Tang.  I’m diverse like that.

I need TIME when I am just with me, because for very long it wasn’t just me.  Yes I needed every moment of those 2,555 days to evolve past who I was *then* but now I need to also focus on me.

I want vacations.

I want 4-7 days on sand.  I want to complain that it is too hot while I sit under an umbrella in a bikini and ogle the natives. I want to objectify the staff in my head and I want to drink too much Tequila. I want to sleep in a King size bed and wake up to room service which never ever sends up enough cream. Ever. I might even ride a bike.  I want tan lines if I am someplace ‘respectabe’ and I want a full out tan if nipples are permitted. I want to flirt with foreign men and women who might only be paying attention to me because they think I will bring them to America.  I want to dance badly and sing off key loudly.  I also want my kinky vacation.  Weekend Reunion is having her last hurrah and I want to be there early, strip in the lobby and worry only about carrying my Hello Kitty backpack and a towel for 3 days.

I want a relationship.

Yeah I know.

Right now I am living my biggest fear, being alone. It’s not easy on some days.  On some days I praise OtterBox as I throw my phone and scream.  On some days I openly weep, but usually in the shower because while I don’t mind the neighbors hearing me cum, I am not yet vulnerable enough to allow them to listen to me cry.

On the nights Clyde is not here at times I stand in the doorway to his room and wish here were there so I can kiss him in his sleep and watch his face frown like it does.  I can hear his subconscious going really mom?

If I learn nothing else from X, and if we never speak again, I’ve learned that I want to be wanted. Not wanted because you rely on me to feed you and wash your ass, but wanted because you want ………..me.

I want you to find me funny and charming.  I want you to have the desire to sleep with me not just fuck me.  Don’t get it twisted though fucking will be happening.

I want to build….something.

With X, I see possibilities and I want to explore them. I am realistic enough to understand that it may not be with him, but it’s the first time in a long time that I can see them without attaching Gei to the photo. My spoon proposed to me.  It was conditional, but she did.  In her head she could see me old and grey – well grey(er) – with Onyx watching Daredevil with the volume up loud because just as I am too vain to wear my glasses, I am likely too vain to admit that I can’t hear shit.

Onyx is dead. I am not.  My spoon already has her spouse, and while same sex marriage is legal, for the moment, bigamy is not.

She doesn’t want me to be alone.

I kind of don’t want to be alone either.  Kind of.

Yes the idea of living with a person for the next 30 years makes me question if I took my medication today, but still the prospect of having someone secure and steady is appealing today.  It might be my period. It might be that 45 is around the corner.  The good 45 my birthday not that alleged human being living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Or, it might just be that I’ve evolved to the point where I understand that I can have a relationship and not lose me.

I can have the relationship I crave and I can earn the benefits that come with it.  And I can still have naked breakfast and vacations, there is just someone there to share it with for a change.

I still don’t know if I want monogamy though.  That creeps me out some.

Yes X convinced me to abstain from sex with others until we figure out what We are going to be, if anything.

HUSH 

Despite my incessant flirting  and various operators coming thisclose while I was at Greyound, I am totally capable of not falling onto a penis or into a vagina. I am an adult after all. I respect my sexuality I am not ruled by her.

While I do want to wake up one morning in the future and realize I am in love again, I don’t know that I want monogamy. Now that I’ve lived a different life, and found out that ‘other’ life fits me well, I don’t know that I want to go back.

I think that might just be the biggest obstacle with X, not distance or my temporary travel ban, monogamy.

If we choose each other that’s it, until we don’t choose each other any longer. I also know me. Once I make that commitment, retreat really is not an option. Yes there are things that can make me leave, but almost 19 years later I still write about Gei.  I don’t separate well, not if I love you. Regardless of some of the things he did, I stayed loyal to the commitment I made.  That would be the case with X and I don’t want to wake up in 8 years going, gee that was a mistake.

He has this thing where almost nothing phases him.  Yeah I don’t like him when he is saying those things but what is baffling to me is his swift o.k. To just about everything. Frustrating perhaps?

You know me and emotions, they are my skin more than my epidermis. I am passionate and will consume the air around you. He is my opposite, on the surface. While I will show you everything he shows little. Gee, that sounds familiar hunh?

He’s serious about this monogamy thing though.

I’m just not sure I am.

But, like Bobby Brown said…..it’s my perrogative.

 

Aphrodite Brown