Once a year in the fall usually a group of kinky Black and Brown people together to just….be.  It is a marvelous thing to behold.

The Unity Munch is not about anything other than fellowship and kinship.  It is a way for the vast network of FUBU groups and people to fellowship.  Men and women travel from all across the country just for dinner and conversation.

I’ve been to a bunch of these now and I have to say without exception this year was my favorite.

A part of that is returning to my kink home and allowing myself to bathe in the love of my kinfolk.  The past 3 years have been disgusting and brutal at times and this part of me fell by the wayside.  I needed to focus on things like not sleeping on the street so kink was not a priority.

A different part is the continuation of the bond from Weekend Reunion.  Even with all of my lovely words, WR and events like Unity are tough to explain.  One has to experience it to understand. One has to embrace it to appreciate.

Yet a third reason this year was special for me was I got a little help from my friends, again.

For me even though things are ‘better’ I still have to make choices.  Sometimes I have to choose between travel and movies.  Sometimes I have to choose between ground beef and steak.  Kink is one of those things that I need to choose at times.  Especially with the recent unplanned extended vacation – read being fired – I needed to make some immediate choices to maintain what little progress I’ve made.  My immediate choice was to not go to the Unity Munch.  My friends said fuck that shit.

I have amazing friends.

It was awkward at times if I am being honest.  I am not yet used to, nor will I ever grow accustomed to depending on other people.  These nights spent in the town of Baltimore I depended on my friends to sleep.  Those sleeping arraignments were the awkward part not their presence.  At some point I suppose that I will get used to sleeping in beds without the idea of sexual type activity.  I don’t think that is coming any time soon.

For the first time in literally years I worried that I would infringe on the space and relationships I was witnessing formation.  Truth be told I considered sleeping in the lobby one night. As I always say people, I am a work in progress bear with me.

My friends might beat me if they read this, but the odds of them reading this are slim. Don’t snitch ok?

This is not the first time I’ve ventured into these kinky waters single but it was the first time ALL of my people were attached.  There is usually one person in the group I can cause shenanigans with this year though, nope.

It was a test for me of sorts.  So many of you have gotten to know me over the years and might not think this of me but I am shy and socially awkward. I have severe social anxiety and it is a constant battle to not retreat to a hotel room or corner and read a book or just hide from all of you.

I am usually one awkward exchange away from running off crying.

This year single I had to alter my personal demons. I had to be different than I am wired and I am a better woman for it.

I had to step up and out and say HELLO.  I had to risk that all of my night terrors would become day reality and this weekend meant to be my escape from an uncertain reality would devolve into a nonconsensual humiliation extended scene.

It didn’t though.

My kinky family, unlike my actual family, wrapped their arms around me again and said girl you are home.

People were as happy to see me as I them.  People I’ve wanted to meet for literally years sought me out. Me. Like whoa.

There was joy and laughter and sexual tension.  There was teasing and food.  Shit I even ran. Me. Twice. As an aside – damn you to hell Collector damn you to hell.

I had salty potatoes for breakfast and copious amounts of coffee for lunch.  I had what I’ve missed for years, recognition of my birthday.  There were no strippers sadly but then again it was a family buffet.

I even managed to squeeze in some S&M. I threw a paddle across the room, I am NEVER going to live that down.  I put on my safety hat and  prevented a novice young woman and her tops from having a horrible situation go sideways.

I got called unfinished business again.  It made me wet.

I had a strange man try to interrupt my alone time with a new friend. I still don’t know what to make of that but I somehow managed to just say NO and not give him a “Nicole” no.

I didn’t get to do everything that I wanted.  I did more than I hoped though, I lived. I stayed in the moment valuing each one and I burned those memories into my forever.

I made new connections, I made new foundations.  I strengthened old bonds and I laughed and loved.

I missed my B and my spoon though immensely.  I missed X for some reason. Well I know exactly WHY I missed him, I just still beat myself because of it.

Incest with my Uncle was still denied. My fantasies of a dick sucking contest were delayed. I had to tell someone I really wanted I am too damned old to be fucking in a hallway like a 15 year old.

I made the proper decisions in an adult manner even if the child in me is pouting.

Mostly though I reminded myself that my fears are not as big and bad as my reality.  I am more than my fears tell me I am.

Before the event drop fully hits me I want to say thank you to my kinky family.  At a time in my life when so much is in flux, and so much is ‘wrong’ You are RIGHT and you hold me in ways that you don’t even know you do.

Aphrodite Brown