Hi Aphrodite.  What types of questions should I be asking of a new Dom?

Hi new readers.  For those of you new to the Aphrodite experience I will on occasion open up the mailbag and answer here at Vizionz some of the questions that I get if I think the answers might be useful.

I’m always amazed that people ask me questions. I’m not amazed that people have questions, rather that they think I have the answers.  I do have some, not answers but suggestions.  When it comes to alternative lifestyle living, I think the key part is lifestyle.  Our journeys are personal and tailored to our needs.  What works in my life might make yours go sideways.

I don’t want anyone to ever take my word as gospel, or think that I am giving them specific instructions to happiness.  I’d rather give you winning Powerball numbers and let you buy happiness than tell you what to do.

I will however try to share some experiences, present to you the possibilities and allow you to accept or reject.

So “L” asks what are some questions should she ask of a new Dom.

Dom in this case is short for Dominant.  “L” is new to this segment of lifestyle living, BDSM. In her case I don’t fear for her safety, but I tend to have hesitation when it comes to new people in this life. Things can go so bad so quickly at times and if it were in my power I would prevent all of that for others.

I can’t prevent anything though, not even in my own life.  I have mistakes and errors.  What I also have though is a platform and a voice so hopefully others won’t experience some of the pains inflicted on me.

When presented with questions like this I tend to ask multiple questions of my own.

With a question like this you can’t just give a basic and blanket answer.  One size does not fit all.

Some of the questions I will ask are:

How do you define dominance?

Are you submissive?

Define new.  Do you mean this Dominant is new to the lifestyle or just new to you?

Are you looking for a long term committed relationship? Something more temporary? Are you interested in a relationship outside of S&M or do you just want your ass beat?

Your answers will give me a general direction to make suggestions and share experiences.

My answers to “L” were specific to her stated desires.

I can give you some basic starting points if you are in the process if vetting a new person you want to include in your life.

#1 Understand what it is that you want.  Be specific to yourself so that you can translate that specificity to your potential partner.  They are counting on you to state your desires and needs until they know you well enough to start anticipating.  You in this instance are the expert on YOU so share your expertise.

#2 Take your time. I’ve stated this so many times, and I made the mistake of not following my own advice when it came to a.  As a close friend states there is such a thing as NRE [New Relationship Energy]. That NRE can, if you allow it, prevent the creation of a strong foundation.

I look at relationships like houses.  Sometimes.

You can build a house, tear it down build another. You can add a garage. You can add a third bathroom. You can paint. You can add a deck and a pool. All of the upper levels of this house you plan to live in start with the foundation. Once you’ve laid the proper foundation the rest can be built knowing the foundation will hold you up.

To create a foundation you need to find the proper place to build. You have to dig. Sometimes you have to stop, realizing that this is not the right spot and fill in that hole to dig another. You start digging in the new place and realize what you want to put in this location is going to require something substantial so you dig deeper.  You have to shore up the sides and bottom of your hole. You then have to start to pour your foundation.  You want the highest quality ingredients so you shop around and find what meets your needs the most. You pour your foundation and you wait for it to settle, before you start to build that house.

The process of building that foundation can take minutes or years.  The common factor though here is time.  It takes time to make that foundation one worth building upon.

Aphrodite Brown