Over the years I’ve shared that I am essentially marriage neutral. I don’t believe in the institution as currently suggested that it should be life long, monogamous and egalitarian. I am not opposed to marriage, hell I am not even opposed to getting married. I’ve been engaged before and in theory one day I will be a Mrs. Should I ever get to the point where I need to decide if I am going to keep my maiden name that is not all bad either.
The thing about me being marriage neutral? That makes me dangerous. Women and men see me as a threat.
The actual threat though may not be where your mind is at the moment. Some think me a threat because they opt to believe I won’t respect their relationship. I’ve discussed that and the .02 cent recap is I am not likely to fuck your spouse.
Some think of me as a threat because I might just be that type of woman who teaches men everywhere that they don’t HAVE to marry you to be in a healthy and committed relationship with you. That right there is closer to the truth but there is more.
It took the marriage of the unparalleled Serena Williams and the examination of the marriage of the Queen Beyoncé to make the light bulb go off.
I am a threat because I am a Black woman who understands her worth and value and is not here for your bullshit.
The Williams sisters have always been BAE for me. Two dark skinned exceptional athletes who were role models for others. While they might not want to be role models to paraphrase Charles Barkley, they are none the less.
They were 2 girls from the hood who had parents that taught them THEY could be the best. I recall stories of how their father made them train with boys so they could be stronger and faster and more skilled. The stories went on to say as they aged Papa Williams thought that it might be a good idea to let them train with other girls but when he witnessed their skill set diminishing he went back to that which was proven true.
Venus was my first crush, stepping onto the clay and slaughtering bitches. Serena was BAE though. She was the better player, the better physical specimen. She was and is the best. I can’t point to a man who’s accomplishments are similar. I will never be able to point to the man who won a Grand Slam while gestating a whole additional human being.
Serena is fucking beautiful to see regardless of if she is on the courts in a cat suit or in 5″ heels and an evening gown.
Yet…
A loud and obnoxious group of Black men seemed to go out of their way to say she was ugly, mannish and not attractive. Listen, I’ve seen this woman’s thighs…she is hot. What she isn’t though is the type of Black woman some Black men need to see. She was unapologetic about her skills, she is sure in her dark skin and understands she is a sexual being. She is not out here checking for those who cannot value her. She sure as shit is not going to reduce herself to appeal to your insecurities.
Serena went out and held out for a love she deserved and appears to have gotten it…in a White man. She didn’t grab a mediocre White man either, she chose herself an attractive, successful, driven and wealthy White man. Her husband’s skin color aside, she found a man who loved her and valued her. She didn’t have to be anything other than herself for that reward.
Then I got to thinking about King Bey. She is a much more ‘traditionally’ attractive woman. Her fairer skin and less muscled structure appeal more to the European standard of beauty we are suggested we attempt to emulate. Bey also went out and found herself a husband, Shawn Carter.
They have 3 children and are absolutely a power couple. Bey however has been explaining to us since B-Day that S Dot is a shitty husband and possibly also a shitty human being.
Lots of Black men out here though cape for that Carter union as if they have stock in their success. Let’s be real…they do.
#notallBlackmen
Let’s hold that disclaimer there for a moment.
I’m specifically speaking about those ashy, HOTEP, ain’t shit Black men out here crying pick me. You know them because they are the ones asking why we – Black women – are not willing to lower our standards to have a man. Why are we out here getting multiple degrees and altering corporate America and not choosing you man who sleeps in the basement and writes your name on the orange juice in your momma’s fridge.
Look, there is nothing wrong with being Blue Collar. There is something wrong when you feel the need to impair the progress of a Black woman or you want to verbally berate her for not saving your trifling ass.
Let’s also be clear that the numbers show, no matter what, Black women CHOOSE Black men to mate and marry more than anyone else.
Still you hold up Beyoncé and Jay-Z as the blueprint [pun intended] for how a Black woman should accept love.
Beyoncé is acceptable because she settled for an ain’t shit man, who was not on her level. She upgraded him and still chooses to put up with his abusive behavior. From Irreplaceable to Lemonade she sings about the trauma she goes through loving this Black man and begs him to do right by her.
That is an acceptable type of relationship. After a decade of ain’t shit behaviors with a man beneath you in the first place you can have an acknowledgement of his fuck boy tactics. Before then though you better improve this man’s stature in life, you better birth him some babies, and you better stand by his side no matter the cost to you. Black woman you can ONLY have a portion of respect and love AFTER you’ve labored and suffered enough to earn this bread crust.
This is not to say he will reform. This is not to say that he will treat you with the love and respect you are owed as a human being. This is just to say he *might* admit to fucking up IF it *might* contribute to HIS success.
Then we have Serena who said fuck all that.
She didn’t settle and she still got the ring and the kid and the wedding.
And I will be damned Black women joined into the chorus to describe all of the flaws in her dress, her behavior, her reception.
I’m not at all surprised. Patriarchy is so pervasive that women embrace it just as much as men. I am reminded though when I look at these two exceptional Black women that I am more Serena than Beyoncé.
My marriage neutrality means that ain’t shit men can’t dangle that carrot in front of me to get me to step. They know they have nothing to offer which I crave so I threaten their way of life.
If I am this way, and I have a platform I might be infectious. I might challenge their very ain’t shit existence and *gasp* they might have to do better.
It’s why ain’t shit niggas call me ugly, or fat. It’s why they proclaim they know precisely why I am single and sexless. It’s why no ‘real’ man will ever want me.
It’s why I am also gonna stay on course and on topic.
By fortune I understand that your marriage is not worthy of my presence. I am worth more than the bullshit you will put me through and I consistently refuse it. I am good with waiting for the type of connection I deserve and I’m even better with not giving a fuck about your feelings in the meantime and getting my needs met.
I am dangerous because I could inspire more to be like me. To that I say don’t be me be better, be Serena. That goddess is winning at life, me I am just living.
Along the way though remember your worth and don’t settle for that fuck boy who is not worth it.
Aphrodite Brown