at some point i will tell the tale of how I gave up.  It’s what I do here. I know that day is not today.

Tomorrow doesn’t look really good either.

failure is not the worst thing that can happen to me. Continuing to fight this useless fight might just kill me.

it was days ago well perhaps weeks is a better word at the moment when I sat here and thought this really is the day that I die.

I came out on the other side of that at first determined to fight on.

I told myself that failure is not an option but it is. Now I just have to find a way to live with that.

In a sense I know how, I’ve been training for this for 3 years now. No one is better prepared for this.

I’ve been training for this for 45 years

I know how to do this

I ask myself if the past decade had been me just pretending

I fully understand what this means and I have still prevented myself from even having a chance to succeed.

Up to and including not going to a job interview this afternoon since the appeal of that particular location means nothing or will mean nothing in about 30 days or so.

I ignored my home visit and everything in this shell which tells me my psyche at the moment needs help. I managed to get a load of laundry done because calling out from work tomorrow is not an option.

In six days the countdown starts. That’s how long I have to accept this. Only 6 days.