To Sir With ?Love
it is possible I will wake up in a week and think geez this was a fucking mistake.
It is possible that in 6 weeks or less once I am medicated again I won’t have this same need.
It is also possible that this might be precisely what I need, what I want and I am gonna wake up in a year and go how did this happen?
While I know what it is that I want, and I’ve actively done things I need to do to secure the proverbial bag I don’t yet know how this story ends.
In this moment I am just horny.
No I should not be with Thursday so close but I am. It’s his fault. I have Friday circled on the calendar, I am in negotiations with my uterus, I even contemplated a few things this afternoon I managed to avoid. Look I’m not healthy I get it.
It would be very simple to just do me. I owe this particular person nothing really. In fact I am kind of owed if I look at all the extra work this kid has put me through.
It would not be difficult to just continue as I do, neglect to disclose information. He – jjabrams – is new enough and lacks the intuition to make the consequences too high to risk. I was given a directive. Do not masturbate until I can put my hands on you.
@#%%#&#*#*@W*I&$@(I%@%*$*
From the lips of another compliance would not be an issue. I would not even pout or think about defiance.
From his lips….
We had a similar conversation weeks ago. That shit got tossed out the window fast. I remember using words like earn and own and insulted. I was dead ass serious.
Then I find in 20&18 here I am asking for that which is summarily rejected.
He’d tell you he is the hunter. Predators don’t hunt one another though and I am far from prey. We are the wolf and the lion in the bed and at the door. Only one can reign.
The issue with the lion is that she was once tamed, leashed, domesticated. You never let go of that training ever. When you meet someone who has even the most basic of knowledge you respond because it’s what you’ve been trained to do, it’s what you know. It is default. Some stumble across this by accident like X. He had no idea the responses he was triggering and when presented with the reality he ran.
Running is not happening with jjabrams, even if I’ve had to push and pull and position.
In the process I’ve had to resort to my own training methods to get to this moment.
I’m now in the position where triggers happen and I am vulnerable enough to realize I have to tread lightly.
This only works if I don’t decimate him in the process. The thing is I am hungry. I am hungry without condition.
I’ve had to work way too hard to get to this moment. Too. Hard.
We are here though and with all the investment it is illogical to leave.
It is time to be 1-1 and be certain that what I’ve set into motion needs stop continue to roll.
The lion and the wolf, wolf and lion.
On some Highlander shit, there can be only 1.
The problem now is I am sitting here typing instead of masturbating. I was not exceptionally horny before he said don’t touch yourself. Now it’s all I want to do.
It’s an old trick, and it’s a good trick. It works.
Even for me who the better option is to overdose, it still works.
It’s putting me in a mind to decide if this is the moment I will obey or if this is the moment I will not. As I said, he won’t be able to tell the difference. He hasn’t been here long enough. I can soak my mattress tonight and he’d be none the wiser. I was given the option of grabbing release tomorrow, Tuesday. Funny thing is, I am contemplating not using my life jacket.
If I can get over the hump tonight I will probably be good so why bother?
Because I don’t like to be told what to do by those who don’t own me. I’m much more likely to do the opposite of what you say because I am that chick.
That you can’t make me chick.
Until…. You make me
So right now I am sitting and typing instead of masturbating and wondering if I am gonna see the curve as I drive 100 mph.
“I can’t and will not I am a sadist”
ninja so am I
equal parts sadist and masochist.
How do you think this story ends? Yeah I’m hungry but the odds in this equation are forever in my favor,
signing off,
Katniss Everdeen
aka
Aphrodite Brown