It is a topic that’s been on my mind lately in a variety of ways. First off there is always the power structure which I have to face daily as a Queer Black woman. For the purposes of this post though, this is about relationship power. Intimate relationship power.
Vizionz from the Bottom started off as a place for me to write about the experience of being back into a relationship with The Man in an as anonymous way as possible. As he and I would both learn – anonymous is not really my thing.
Vizionz eventually turned into this eight year old steam of my consciousness where any and everything was open for discussion.
Through the years I’ve explored topics that matter to me, and right now power matters to me.
Given the last 3 years of my life and feeling powerless about many of the circumstances I endured, my curiosity about power shouldn’t be questioned. It will though and I am prepared for that.
I used to sign off on all my posts as bottom bitch. It was one of the name she gave me. He also gave me Aphrodite Brown.
I recall during our second manifestation the conversations we had about power exchange and what that would look like for us. I was a girl in love trying to figure this BDSM thing out and trying to make it fit into all that I was taught a relationship was supposed to be by women who frankly sucked at relationships.
I wanted something that resembled the structure that I’d seen demonstrated elsewhere. I wanted a fantasy of construct which by my very own nature was not possible. I wanted Burger King my way, in a 5 Guys world.
The massive growth spurts that I had while he and I were together were often supported in his absence by eduation and educators who understood my needs in ways I did not. He may know me better than anyone else on this 3rd rock from the sun, but my lessons, which stuck were often presented by someone else.
One of those lessons was the presentation of power and where it rests in the relationship I wanted.
In our early conversations about power exchange, after having consulted the Google and considering myself now an expert I said without hesitation, as the submissive I am the one with the power here. In typical The Man fashion that maddening smirk appeared on his face and those dreaded words escaped from his throat: ” Is that what you think?”
When he and I got to that point in a discussion, there was a lesson yah he needed to teach and history taught that I may not like the learning experience. I chuckle now when I hear myself saying those same words, thinking…I sound just like my father. My father in kink, not that man whose name is on my birth certificate.
Since I’ve had to identify what fuels me in a world where I am not bound to The Man any longer, one of those realizations is I am about the exchange of power.
Control for simplicity sake.
Total control and the arousal which comes from it.
I long to surrender that control, yet I can be equally as content assuming it.
The presence of the series of submissive men and women who have presented themselves to me lately and my acceptance of their interest shows me, control is the drug my veins throb for and seek.
Even though post Andrea my hesitation is a real thing, the appeal of it remains. It remains because of who Aphrodite really is, and what she really needs.
I also understand intellectually that presenting this way, this dominant way is a way of me forcing myself to get my shit together. My turtle when he approached me came with some shit t hat I quickly had to figure out if I was prepared to manage all that and all me. I don’t play for the moment I play for keeps and accepting his service meant I was going to have to manage both our lives, but especially MY life differently.
I would not expect any submissive serious about the exchange to take me seriously if I were not moving towards my own stability, my own health, my own achievements. I would expect them to have similar expectations as I own, that while you may not be perfect you need to be representative of a person who is one I can follow.
While I don’t seek monogamy or marriage I still maintain a standard for these relationships I know I will eventually have again. What became apparent was until I met those standards, I was not going to assume the responsibility of power. I would not take it or give it.
Today, on what is celebrated in my nation as Memorial Day, I put to rest the version of me who rejects that exchange out of fear. While I am not ready to walk into a relationship today or tomorrow I open the door to the concept that I am ready to do the work, so that at some point I can receive this exhange of power that is missing my my life.
I also don’t know what it will look like when it arrives. I just know that I won’t run from it when it gets here.
Aphrodite Brown