The joke that I have with the roommate is that we are destined to be 180 degrees apart at all times. That is our history and we call it the 180 degree rule. I’ve mentioned that at some point we should likely try to figure out if we are the 2 poles what it is we are rotating around. I think I have the answer tonight. HIM.

Even though there was a time I did not know that He existed, nature does not need permission to exist. It’s not a Black person in the United States after all.

I’m sure that I’ve spoken of our instant chemistry here, and in just a few hours I will know if it still remains. I feel that it does, but I also feel like a very different woman than I did five years ago. You’re girl has been through some shit remember.

All of the signs point to success. I kissed him. Did I tell you I miss kissing? Yeah, I think that I did.

I spent a fair amount of the day today scrolling through the Rolodex of my memories and reading previous messages and there is a specific patterned response he inspires and that remains. Even if I rolled my eyes once. He didn’t see me though so I am gonna go with it doesn’t count.

He’s annoyed me in the past 24 hours. I’ve been……frustrated….with what I think is a slow response time. I’m also asking myself if I am only or allowing things to progress because I am really fucking tired of hearing how ‘cute’ this is to her.

I don’t think that it is cute and it is offensive in a sense to hear her say that it reminds her of me and Waffles.
While I get the concept it is just like most things with us…180 degrees.

Even though they are both men who will always have a place in our lives, these circumstances are different. There is always  the chance that The Man and I will end up trying this thing again. The odds are not in favor of that, but I cannot take that off the table as long as the two of us are breathing. Her and HIM….while they may fuck again and I hope they will be lifelong friends they are not going to be in a relationship ever again.

I can say that with certainty the same way I can say the sky is blue.

Even if there was the chance, nope. It doesn’t exist. The physical form is the same, but the man is different. I know this because what attracted him to me is the opposite of what she provides. 180.

Let’s be honest, neither of us have the opportunity as long as he is with his current girl, but if there was a ranking for relationship worthiness at the moment I win.
It’s not that I am better…I am different. 180.

I’m sitting in a diner not far from where we kissed last night. I’m tapping my foot with impatience. And when he finally summons me I will be that girl, the one who he needs in this moment. His specific words were: “Good. I will need *all* of you, as I’m starved of your particular service.”

There are things that I give him that even his precious does not. I delight in that, and dread it at the same time.

While tonight and tomorrow will give me most of what I need. Yes I said most as my uterus is a mother fucking hater. I have fear at the aftermath. One of the ways I’ve sustained this long… You know aside from the whole Andrea dropping a nuclear bomb on my life and shit…. Is that I can and do turn off these parts of me when I have no outlet for them.

This is going to open a wound and that open wound might not want to close and until a few more things change it cannot for my own health and safety remain open. I’m gonna still go to him and I am still going to be that girl. I’m just going to have to stick myself. See, masochism can come in handy.

 

Aphrodite Brown