Taking care of Bonnie & Clyde was my full time job for six years. While it took a toll on me there is nothing that I would do to change it. Change the circumstances of how it happened perhaps,  make some better decisions along the way definitely, but give up those six years never. 

Similar to my pregnancy, caring for Bonnie & Clyde saved me in a sense.  I still have moments when I mourn the loss of The Man which I can tie directly to the needs of my loves, but I still don’t spend any significant amount of time thinking; “what if”. 

The path I took was the correct one, and it was the one which showed me love in a sense I didn’t have prior.  It showed me sacrifice in ways I didn’t know existed.  It taught me submission in ways kneeling for Him never did. 

I found strength that I thought I did not possess. I found joy which I never thought I deserved.

When things started to turn south financially I looked for work on occasion and I always returned to the problem which could not be solved : how can I work outside the house and know that my Bonnie and my Clyde would be cared for?

The only answer which made sense was working part time or finding a position which would allow me to work from home.

That opportunity never came while we were together, and it’s bittersweet in a sense that it comes now.

I don’t know that I’ve typed it here ever but there is a first time for everything. 

Bonnie and Clyde are never coming “home”. 

My Bonnie hasn’t long left for this earth.  Her mental and physical conditions are such that even with Powerball winning money I cannot care for her.  One day I will com here and say she’s moved along.  I don’t believe in god but if he existed I would hope he’d find a way to make her afterlife comfortable. My Bonnie is imperfect, and her secrets impacted us all, but she’s my Bonnie.  I can dislike how she chose to parent.  I can be angry at the choices she made. I can type up her list of sins, but what I am unable to do is not love her.  

Yes there will be things I wont ever excuse, yes she cost me and yes there was abuse. I love her still though. In her health she wasn’t ideal, in her illness she almost killed me.  Love her still though will be what my heart carries.  I can’t say that I forgive all but love doesn’t require forgiveness.  Love exists as it does and stands without support. At least my kind of love does anyhow. 

4 days ago my Clyde turned 18.  As he hits what this nation calls adulthood, I better accept the choice I made even if it rips me apart in ways I will never find words to describe.

Could he come home? Yes.  Even with the setback I had a year ago there is still a path. There will always be a path. What that path entails though is something I cannot do. 

My baby boy will never be able to live ‘alone’.  He will always need someone to house clothe and monitor him. Basic life functions like drawing a bath which wont burn him are beyond his ability.  Noe mind you he has common enough sense not to get into the scalding water, but the concept of blending hot and cold is not available to him.  

He will never scramble an egg and keeping a household running is not in the cards for him. 

I am not eternal.  One day I won’t be here. I will stop breathing and the earth will go on without me, my Clyde will go on without me.  When that happens he needs to be safe and while he is not ‘home’ safe he is.  His facility is one of the best in the state, and when I am no longer of this earth, he won’t be lost. 

It feels selfish to bring him ‘home’ for a short time only to have to transition him someplace like where he is now.  It is also selfish to understand that I cannot bring him home only to have to send him away.

That is another thing Bonnie & Clyde taught me….my limitations. 

I have a lot of strength but the strength which must exist to separate me from my child twice? This girl just ain’t got it. 

By Wednesday I will be answering calls and working claims from that desk.  My hell commute down the highway will be a walk to and from the kitchen for coffee. I will need less from Tempest and one step closer to the 2019 plan of action. 

Tonight though I will cry some because when this would have held my family together it was not an option for me. 

Yes Constant Reader, this still hurts. It will always hurt. Yet, I will always move along.  I can’t restore what we had, but I can carry love. So I shall. 

Aphrodite Brown