I’ve been owned just once. I’ve had two other lifestyle relationships. I’ve managed the life of another who presented their submission to me. On some molecular level I understand that I don’t know it all. I mean that is not possible right? That would be like getting to the end of the Internet no?

Today, tonight more specifically I had the vizion of what a lifestyle relationship looks like without sex.

I’ve frequently shared that I include sex and sexual activity in my kink. It’s sexual for me, even if I am not always having sex while kinking. It’s how this was introduced to me, how I’ve navigated all these years. When approached by those who say they want to serve my attraction to them on a physical level plays a part. Tonight though, I can see a path to something else.

I can be heard to say on occasion: “service for the sake of service is not my thing”. It still isn’t yet, the universe has delivered to me a path to see and do something else.

It may not happen the way I envision at the moment but I can totally see it happening and that is a little unsettling.

My compulsion so far has always been connected to someone who I would be having sex with at some point. While the physical attraction to this person is evident, to me if no one else, in a service based relationship, an exchange of power and authority, sex is not on the table. Well I don’t think its on the table in the way I’ve gotten used to it.

If I stepped out of my comfort zone and took that plunge, it would be a dynamic where we would not be each other’s primary sexual partner. No one stop shopping so to speak.

I still look at this individual though and that compulsion to serve and please still remains. That same gut punch when I hear them compliment me remains present. That inability to refer to them by name still exists. All of the other markers and indications which exist when I know this is a person I need to pay attention to remain. I’m not totally sure how to process this. In the abstract it is a simple thing.

I understand that service can and does exist without sex, I also never expected I would consider that an option for the highly sexual me.

I am also a big punk so telling this person outright it is something I want to consider won’t likely happen, yet because I can consider the possibility with them, I can also think of it with someone else.

Mind you that someone else is not on the canvas at the moment but who knows what 2019 has on the menu.

Yes old bitches can still learn shit. Life is kind that way.

Aphrodite Brown