Thankfully its not so pressing that a crisis center needs to be located, but its always there.

It’s been a challenge managing these things without medication. The years of therapy, the years of education, the time and work put in have kept me mostly level but it is not simple.

I had to leave Speak and Sing last month because it got to the point where trying to walk back into the restaurant was so overwhelming the crisis could’ve appeared, but it didn’t. I also didnt go back inside.

Insomnia my old friend comes and visits more often than she used to and comfort food turns into other food.

I’m not so far gone that intervention is necessary but I am monitoring the situation. I am taking all of the steps necessary to preserve safety. I remember rule #1.

I mention this though because it was something that I could not articulate during my conversation the other day. I mean it didn’t help we had the connection from hell, but I found myself speaking to someone I trust and not able to articulate what I was feeling.

I can’t say I am without purpose, I might suggest that I am without direction at the moment.

I also walk along the tightrope of fearing I will do something to topple the fragile finances I am keeping together and allow things to spiral. I won’t. That segment of me while totally self sabotaging is on a leash, the fear of existence is still there though.

I see the things which have impeded progress and opppose them, almost violently. As I try to explain to those new to me my hands are rated E- for everybody, even myself when needed. One of the things that I am working on is channeling that focus into improvements not just holing off disaster. I don’t always succeed but I try, and I try more often these days.

It is a challenge though to be me. It is even more a challenge to be here in this this moment in this place without any other support than me. Which is why I’ve considered what going back to therapy looks like. I ask that as I consider what my dental work looks like, what a hysterectomy looks like, and I wonder if my dreams of traveling in 2019 are just that when I have to bank time for recovery and donate all of the money to all of the copays.

I ask myself if I am willing to put off this life I say I want to live for 6 more months or another year, to be a person who doesn’t bleed anymore and puts her teeth in a jar. There is credit to rebuild and savings to stack and here I am thinking I want a trip to Jamaica. The irony of still wanting to have it all and not be able to have it all – still – is not lost to me.

In the meantime I have to do some research. The first inquiries so far are fascinating. Really.

Aphrodite Brown