If I am being honest, and this is the place I try to be such, I am at a point where some decisions need to be made. Seems like deja vu, and in a sense it is, but these decisions are a little different.

I am at a point where even though stability is not a given, collapse is not imminent. Yes I am frustrated at the vacuu,]m cleaner on my wallet at the moment, but its nothing that I haven’t earned. This is a part of the process, and it is also a part of restructuring, resisting the mistakes of the past.

Holding the course and making the responsible decisions and focusing on the goal is the responsible and smart thing to do. It is something that I will continue to do because I am committed to the process. I will still fret and stress, because its what I do, but I will also see make the changes so these things become less stressful, and I fret less.

One of the things that I have to include in the process is what things look like down the road. It’s not so much about the physical surroundings but the mental images.

The last 4 years have taught me I am stronger than I ever imagined and the ability to rebuild is within me. It’s no longer just something I say – doing it once proves it can be done. Now I am not aiming for having to start over over over, but unlike a year ago, the concept of it doesn’t make me want to tap out.

The thought makes me want to fight, not quit and that is a marked difference.

I can admit that a part of the delay is the fear of losing progress. I can also admit that I understand fear of losing progress can create stagnation. Where I am is ‘good enough’ so why risk it?

Because I am not good enough. I am exceptional.

Yes, there is the confidence you’ve grown used to seeing. I listened today though when told I was arrogant. I didn’t get on my soapbox, I didn’t deny. I listened. That’s much more rare than people believe. I might not always say something but that doesn’t = listening. She said I was arrogant, and she’s not incorrect. I don’t and she didn’t mean I have a strong sense of self. I do but that wasn’t the arrogance spoken of, it was something deeper. Something that I didn’t consider until I listened to her say it.

Of course now that I’ve heard it I cannot un-hear it. So I can either act on it – or stand still. Standing still is comfortable, it is safe, I am unlikely to have set backs or disappointments. I also get nothing done when I stand still. I haven’t experienced all of this to do nothing.

I might not yet be ready to chant again, the return of that presence in my life I am unsure I can handle. I can do other things. I will. First things first though.

Aphrodite Brown