If you know me you understand how much I dislike when my tear ducts malfunction.

I dont cry much.

Tears are needed, my eyeballs would fall out otherwise.

Tears can be cathartic.

Fuck tears.

I’m one of the strongest people that I know. I never asked to be but as I said this morning, a lot of shit has happened in my 46 years. As much joy as I can convey in loving the people I’ve loved, I can counter that with something painful. Trauma is a thing and if being a Black woman in the United States isn’t fucking traumatic enough there is my life.

Let’s be clear, I have the right to be angry. I have the right to have trepidation. I have the right to reject risk and embrace neutrality and safety. I am human after all and self preservation might just be the most basic and the strongest of the human condition.

It’s taken a lot to not be ANGRY all of the time. I realized at some point the rage which consumed me in the immediate aftermath of the incident would kill me, so I learned to manage it. Yes it can still be a thing, but I am no longer walking the earth glowing with rage. The path to risk is different though.

It is asking me to do again that which I’ve done before so many different times before with such similar results.

I dance around the edges of life only giving myself permission to live it fully in short bursts and making those moments count and sustain me until I mount the courage to another moment.

It’s not living the fullest life, but its living the life I could while the rest is under construction. I was reminded today there is something else.

I was also reminded today I am not ready, but I can get there. In the same 24 hours I allowed my tear ducts to malfunction as I allowed the hope of a different journey enter my spirit, I was also reminded of the things I will encounter on that journey and why the return won’t be as easy as I would like.

Truth be told, I am afraid.

But she played that song too.

I may not have gotten to Speak & Sing but music was still a part of my dance. I only remind you that me dancing is an interesting thing. I’m not especially good, but that doesn’t stop me when I shed my inhibitions and do it anyhow.

The Man used to tell me I danced like no one was watching. Someone is always watching though, I just wasn’t weighted so heavily back then.

Aphrodite Brown