I’m leaving with more than I brought, literally on multiple levels. I did unload some things, but that space was a filled with something else.

If I do nothing else for the next 2 weeks I am going to work on my language. It is a small thing and something I know and not something I practice and that needs to change. A simple alteration to basic phrases can make a difference, and I could use a little different today and tomorrow.

For the past few weeks I’ve felt stuck in a sense, and while nothing physically or monetarily has changed I can take the lessons I was meant to learn and be unstuck. Once upon a time I believed I created my own destiny, and that is true. My abandonment of my faith post incident doesnt change that, it simply changed how I navigated through this world. I can do different. I expect to do different and I will figure out how to not be afraid. Yoda would say there is no try just do, and in a sense that muppet is not wrong. When you wear fear like the hair which grows on your head and it feels like a part of you, well letting it go doesn’t seem so simple. I just need to remind myself that even though I might need a haircut in the moment, I DO shave my head.

Sometimes you need someone around you who believes in you when you haven’t the ability to believe in yourself.

That was a part of the ‘need’ with G. That can be replaced in part with love. The bottom line though is I have to do this for me, because Me is all there is at the moment.

I Googled meetings and didn’t find a center out in Narnia. That is not a surprise at all. The type of person who settles in Narnia is not the type to seek out Buddhism. They are much more cling to the Bible type. Not having a center doesn’t mean I am alone though. It also doesn’t mean that it might not be my karma to find others.

It also doesnt’t mean I have to return to the faith and ‘practice’ the same way. I am not the same.

I have a lot to unpack from these 2 weeks. Mentally and physically, feels like every time I walk into the room there is one more thing. I’ve spent the past 4 years avoiding collecting things, because I don’t want to lose them again. I can’t keep doing that to myself. Giving myself permission though well that’s something I can learn, I will learn.

Yes I have obligations, and I will live up to them. Doing that doesn’t mean I am unable to live though. It also doesn’t mean that getting back down on my knees so to speak will bring him back, and even if it does that doesn’t mean I have to take him back.

My focus right now though needs to be as the pages of the book says, being quiet and listening. I can do that. I can do a lot of things.

Aphrodite Brown