Memory Lane

“I’ve been everywhere still I’m standing tall, I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all.” -Jon Bon Jovi

Once upon a time I hosted a munch. I feel like I’ve shared what a munch is to you kink adjacent readers but in case I have not the short version is a group of us perverted folk get together and do the things the vanillas do. We wear our ‘regular’ clothes, we do regular things. Of course regular for me tends to be a little extra, but I’m also the girl who has pink hair now so extra should not be a surprise at all.

In January of 2018 when I was still reeling from the idea that I wasn’t going to be able to stay at Manheim St, the soon to be roommate made a proposal, let’s start a munch. It wasn’t something that I would have thought of on my own, and I needed the distraction so I said why not?

It started as a distraction but I quickly bought into the idea that it could be something. It was different than anything anyone else was doing in Philly. It was the opportunity to get back into the kink scene I felt ready to embrace again. It was also the chance to shape not just the conversation but the people. Let’s be honest, A flogging 101 class is not terribly attractive to me at this stage of my development. The S&M is easy its the rest of the shit we need work on, even me. I saw it as the chance to dig a little deeper, learn a little more, and put the focus on relationships and connections. I didn’t realize that it was the beginning of my path to fostering relationships which fed me. I can safely say I was not as aware then, as I am today. It’s just a reminder in retrospect that the universe always provides.

We had some good conversations over the year +. We had some not as good conversations also. What we always has was a me, who valued the opportunity. I took it seriously, I poured from myself. As time went on and I saw some of the limitations it allowed me to see other possibilities. It gave me the vizion to see things that would come down the pike. I also gave me lessons I would need to learn to make the move I eventually made.

It taught me that people actually fuck with me. Of course that is not a surprise to you, after all you come here willingly. You fuck with me. There exists a version of me though which often asks …who me? She will be retired, not for your sake but my own, but I can look at May of 2018, and remember that Cinco de Mayo event and the way I felt as I waited for people to show up. Those of you who did show up saw me looking fierce, singing well and being ‘me’. You missed the full blown panic attack which had me with the car in drive about to leave.

You did show up though, and it was one of our best nights. There was joy and laughter. It was also the night the DJ finally remembered my name but that’s a different blog post.

What some of you don’t know is that the Adobe Cafe and I go back like big wheels and fat crayons. It was one of the places in my early days of being out and kinky that I frequented. We held kink parties once a month on the 2nd floor banquet room. I grew close to someone that the community knew as The Stern Hand, I know him by his government and he actually has a post here dedicated to him someplace. He was a brother before I started adopting kinky brothers and sisters and cousins and mothers.

It was the location I first had the nerve to try the violet wand. My sadist gave me the space to be afraid and try it anyway and it turns out I love electricity. I no longer talk to him because our politics don’t align, but I can think fondly of that memory because of the doors it opened for me. That night in Adobe would directly lead to an afternoon in a hotel room in New Jersey which is going to change me forever.

I played with a woman for the first time there. I met my future brothers from Wheels of Soul there. RIP Black Eagle.

The parties eventually faded and changed like all things do. The me who came out on the other side of those parties was different that the girl who first showed up. Shit even The Man says he saw me there one night and it let him know I was serious about this life. Apparently the tattoo on my ass didn’t convey that message. Blank stare.

The parties were a beginning of my Philly kink life, the munch the end. Well maybe not the ‘end’ I don’t know what the future holds, but let’s say the end for the summer of 2019.

Not unlike the parties the girl who left the munch was different than the one who started. She was in pain, her life was chaos, she was desperately seeking a reason to live. I am not her today. I am learning what living actually is, and it feels different than that stuff I’ve been doing prior. There’s a person here who keeps telling me that I am amazing. They aren’t wrong, its that I’ve spent so long denying and suppressing that embracing feels foreign. It’s not even that there aren’t glimpses of it to me, the constant presence is something which I must allow. I will. At which point they will find something else to cause my discomfort. I am actually looking forward to the discomfort though.

The Philly Speak and Sing munch may no longer exist, but what comes from its ashes is something I have excitement at seeing. I’m disappointed that what became a kick ass event won’t go on. That’s not my legacy though, it was a first step. I hoped that it would go on, that which was revealed to me was just me on a misinterpretation. As the Fetlife group sits empty without leadership though, its apparent I was not wrong. I can’t fix that though, this is my time to grow. This is my time to learn. This is my time to love. This is my time. Forward.

I went to karaoke a couple weeks before I left Philly. It wasn’t for my event it was because Adobe was a home for me. I no longer thought of karaoke as ‘her’ thing, I had every right to be there, the place where everybody knew my name. I earned my place, those connections, the space to let my figurative hair down, have a beer, flirt, dance badly and just be me. It was yet another moment when I exerted my independence which was not appreciated by some. #kanyeshrug I am better for it.

The last song I sang with the DJ was special. For those of you who have gotten to know Auntie [I have to retire the ratchet – again another blog post] it may surprise you :