The move to Baltimore was not expected. Many things in my life these days are not. The leap of faith I took is something that historically I haven’t done much. Stay close, stay safe, stay familiar, don’t make waves. It’s kind of a dull existence. I’ve had moments of love, excitement not terribly sustained though.

I’ve historically always found a way to go back to the safe. Now if you’ve read Vizionz you may be raising an eyebrow now, but its a fact. Yes I do many things that some consider daring but at the end of the day, the familiar always wins. Won, we are going to use past tense for that. I’m working on my language.

My first stop here in Baltimore is both a success and a failure. I’m sure I will dig deeper into that here later, in fact I already have, there are posts which I’ve written that I will publish later. How much later? Who knows, I need to focus on something else at the moment.

One of the failures is the inability to sustain that leap and energy which allowed me to say yes. There are many contributing factors which did it but I’ve singled out two huge ones. My first trip here I presented differently. It’s been called my event face but its more than that. My first trip here was not about me, or so I thought. It was about service, and that’s what I brought. I brought a mindset that facilitated service and I was open. I didn’t hold the carefully constructed barriers I’ve accumulated over time and I allowed myself to be in the moment. I received on that trip because I gave on that trip. That is a part of me, and how the invitation got extended to start. That me, is one of the best versions of me. That me is the person I can be, yet as has been pointed out I choose not to be her. In service to others is where I truly am most connected, closest to the persona that these books and videos tell me will unlock ‘happiness’.

I want to be more than happy though.

This trip was only about me, and I’ve never quite turned that off. Glimpses, but nothing sustained. That version of me caused harm that I cannot fix. I am sorry for that. My being sorry didn’t change my behaviors though, because #2 of the things I’ve learned here is that there is a lot more healing that needs to happen with me. It doesn’t erase it doesn’t soothe but it does give me a starting point to get this work done.

I start part two of life in Baltimore next week. Not in the place I envizioned, had I given myself permission to do that, but in he space I created. It will be fine. It may not be what I thought I wanted, but it doesn’t have to end there. None of this has to end there. I picked something that will still allow me to work on me, and meet goals. Vizion may not be a present thing, but goals still are. I am also going to give myself permission to miss some of those goals and not beat myself up.

Being honest I never quite allowed me to SEE me in the Villa. I gave it about 4 hours of thought before there was yet another shift here. I’m sure that contributed to the present situation and I will call that, another lesson. There are many here. Even if she doesn’t always see that I am learning I am. While it would be great if she could, so that she would not feel this time was in vain, the permanent changes I need to make are not about her. Time may pass and there might be a time where I can sit and speak and this event is not as painful. I absolutely want that but its not something that is sustainable. These moves and changes have to be about me, not her.

I made a connection today, through pain. She’s right that I seek pain, yet its been the place where clarity appears. As I prepare to move onto the next moment I have questions and also some answers. I also have tools. I didn’t know that I carried them, and it could possibly require frequent reminders that I do. But forward.

Aphrodite Brown