In my time here some things that I need to work on came rushing to the surface. I wasn’t necessarily ready to work on them but that doesn’t matter.

One of them is a matter of gratitude. It was described to me as poison into medicine, there is an actual phrase for it but I cant recall it at the moment and my search for it was not successful. I used to wonder if I was the poison. I know that in some ways the answer to that is yes, but that answer is more complex than a yes or a no. Life usually is right?

I affect people, for a lot of people that is a good thing. I’ve learned that its not always but that is never my intention. Intention has to matter in some ways.

I can’t stay here and dwell on this, while the experience contains many lessons staying here means not focusing on the moment and that is a luxury that I can no longer afford. I cannot change the past, I can make an outline for the future that I desire, but right now is all that I can control, can mange.

I worked last night. Not the 9-5 that doesn’t come until Monday, but at a lifestyle event. I made a drive all the way from Pottstown for that DM training, and when I made the leap to come here it was my intention to chip in and help now that proximity wasn’t an issue. So tired back, throbbing knees and all I did it. It was a light night, thankfully. I had conversations, I did my job. It was a welcome escape from my head. I woke up even more sore, but time will heal that in the way time often does.

For the past month all I wanted to do was wake up on a Saturday, have a cup of coffee, and let things evolve in the day as they would. One day during the weekend where I could move at a pace that was not hurried or stressed or observed. I got that. It was not in the manner I thought, but its a reminder that what I ask for I can receive.

A part of why I haven’t asked is the idea that I don’t deserve. That is not my shit that was given to me, but like many other things I’ve clung to that and never let it go. A different part of why I haven’t asked is the idea that material is somehow less pure than anything else. Why should I be asking for vacation money when I could be asking for world peace. Those two things are not in conflict, not really.

I was given a vizion board. I didn’t hang it up when it was given to me because the concept of vizion wasn’t something that I was prepared to tackle. After being chastized I did write one thing on it, well a list of things actually. My first request was ☮️ Then the list went on and after item number 6 or so I realized that I asked nothing for myself that it was all external. That is who I am, and while aspects of that remain I also have to find myself in this.

It feels a little weird but lets try it out anyway. If it works then great, if not then we will try something else.

Today I am going to focus on that unhurried pace and allow myself some recovery. A chance to exhale. I’m also going to dedicate some time to examine some spiritual concepts that I’ve not given myself permission to explore. They say there is a mall a couple blocks from here. I’m not going there today I don’t think, but last night reminded me that I need a belt. I’ve got one more wall to wash, and then I can focus on reorganizing this room. Room is a metaphor.

Aphrodite Brown