This was a ME weekend. Not in the way I used to do it, but in the way that was necessary for the me who exists now. As the sub slowly descends I feel good about the work that got done.

One of the things I had to let go of was the desperate need for approval. Yes I still respond to approval, I am still human after all, but I had a moment recently where the moment I realized I wasn’t going to expend the energy to gain something that would not be given was apparent.

I was 12 or 13ish. My Bonnie came home from work that afternoon and she was on tilt. We’d mostly gotten past the laying of hands stage, we were at the which combination of words will do the trick stage. I’d worked my ass off in the house that day. I’d pulled the curtains and washed them, I’d cleaned the kitchen cabinets inside and out. I did my regular Saturday routine, but I’d woken that morning with energy and went the extra mile. I even did something I still to this day dislike, went into the front yard and pulled weeds. The only thing left by the time Bonnie got how was the dusting of the living room tables and furniture.

She somehow managed to not see anything but that dust. She said to me I don’t see anything that you did. Yep, right combination of words. From that afternoon on I didn’t deviate from the list, wanted to see what she expected to see, and if it didn’t fit her idea or expectations then it didn’t happen…for her. That doesn’t mean I didn’t do it, it simply meant she would never see it. I’ve needed to remind myself of that lately, and allow that to settle in. Doesn’t feel any better at 46 than it did at 13 but that’s my shit not anyone else’s.

I completed my vizion board today. I threw away the one that I felt obligated to make and focused on the one I wanted to make. These things can take time, and its not a slight or affront if it does. If this is what I will manifest, and it is, then it has to come from within me, not to bend to the pressure of approval that will not come. That was not the time or place for me to have the vizion, it had to happen out of there. The why? Well that is a novel in and of itself but it wasn’t going to happen there. What’s important is that it is happening now.

I lost someone I care about this week. Sudden, unexpected, a gut punch. I remember the very first time I saw her and also the very last time. I didn’t think the first time she would matter to me. I didn’t think the last time I’d never get to tell her again that she mattered to me. It was just a couple weeks ago, and I was struggling. We sat and talked, the way we would when we got together with an ease I can exhibit with few people. Her advice was to talk. I couldn’t tell her why talking was pointless but I tried it. She thought it would lift some of the weight I carried, and I smile at her for it. She just wanted me to smile again. I did today as I remembered our laughs, our scenes, our bond.

I’m unsure if I could have gotten through that night without her. I suppose I would have found a way, the way I found the way on the nights after, but I am grateful to her that she was there when she was. We would have talked this week, she was due to come to the city. I could have told her then why things could not be fixed, but that conversation won’t happen. I’m gonna take a moment and mourn other conversations that won’t happen, but only a moment. You see those conversations would be about me seeking approval, or proving something. I don’t expect that I will do that. While I can’t say never, that is too absolute, this is a lesson I’ve learned. This isn’t Bird Box, and I won’t be prying open anyone’s eyes but my own.

Aphrodite Brown