It’s been a while since I’ve had these options. Well that’s not accurate, its been a while since I’ve given myself permission to explore the options in front of me.

I’m still the girl oblivious to most who show interest in me. Well that’s not accurate either, I used to be the girl who didn’t think she deserved the attention so she could never see it.

Gotta work on accuracy and language today I see.

Before the move here I had a night at the playhouse, a night with….shit I don’t know what to call her now. In my head she is still who she is, but I need to respect her request of me. That’s not all the way relevant at the moment though. On that night a request was made of me, one that I almost said no to. A man asked me to top him.

It’s not that I’ve never done it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. I fucking love it.

Historically I keep my play to those I am connected with. On the very RARE occasion that I top, I almost never do it in public, almost never do it with men. Women have always been easier, perhaps because the gaze that falls on two women is less harsh than an ‘unknown’ woman with a man. I too can fall victim to wanting to keep up appearances.

This man asked me to play earlier in the night and I laughed it off. The concept of wanting to bottom to me outside the parameters of ownership is not a thing I allowed myself to consider. Why? Because I can be dense. After all I’ve gotten a lot of those requests. I’ve indulged a few along the way, and the high after each time makes me wonder why I don’t do it more often. I mean I know why, separating myself from that energy can be a bitch. It also affects how I am seen. By now people know I bottom, they know I can bottom hard. That is where I live mostly, and where my eventual home will reside. Seeing me on display as a top, the way I am capable of doing it changes that vizion for others. As much as we want to believe that because we are kinky we are more open to variations of how this thing is done, we aren’t terribly open minded at all.

When I think about it though, as I look to where this kink life is taking me, I need to worry less about that. What I want is going to require someone willing to live outside our chosen kink boxes, and presenting myself in only the one way is going to make that search longer. The eventual person is gong to accept this part of me, so why should they not see it in action, and shoot their shot based on all of the information available vs what I have to explain.

The eventual negotiation with man and I at the playhouse was….weird. There really is not a way to explain it other than weird. He did everything that I dislike and he still ended up on the cross. A part of it was her. She was confident that it was something that I wanted to do [she was right in a sense], she was sure that I could do what he wished [she was 100 right on that], and that I needed it. A conversation with her and I weeks later brings that scene to mind. I mentioned that no one was checking for me. She mentioned man from playhouse. I tried to laugh it off, and did, until about 3 days ago when he said he wanted to fuck. WTF.

I mean she was right, and she’s been right about a lot, not everything but a lot.

But the I wanna smash seemed to come out of left field. Now that its the pink elephant in the room the signs were there. Which is where this post comes from, being open to the signs.

I know on a level that I am attractive, accepting that others find me attractive not as much. So many of you see the version of me who says things like I will take your man, and she’s real. Who’s been more real is the girl who was told all the way up until Bonnie stopped talking that she wasn’t worthy of love. That she wasn’t attractive, that she was fat an no one would want her.

An agreement was made as the book says, and she’s taken up residence in my brain. It’s how I overlook man from playhouse. It’s how I think when someone hits me up and says they want a hug I miss the space behind the hug which is I wanna blow your back out.

As I am dong the work to change this life of mine I see things I have not prior. The good and the bad. This is the good part though, options. I recall not all that long ago I lamented that I missed the line up I had in my 20s. While that was a first team all star squad, the bench I am building now is not too shabby. One needs some work though.

The good thing about this is if I can see someone who wants me to sit on their face, I can also see the eventual connection I once thought could only happen with The Man. I can see that I am worth it and I deserve it and that I can manifest it.

So the drought has ended, and I don’t have to be thirsty.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Aphrodite Brown