Once upon a time there was a girl who would look at her Blackberry waiting for it to ring. Yes I said Blackberry. Did y’all forget I’m almost 47?

I loved that Blackberry.

I was in a relationship then, and he and I were going through one of those phases, where I could feel the shift, he denied there was a shift, and I spent the days waiting for the inevitable. I was a fucking expert at that. Anyway, I used to stare at that phone trying to will it to ring. He had his own ringtone.

That song still does something to me, but I am at a point in my life where it no longer triggers me. There was once a time when hearing it would send me into tears. These days, I just wiggle a little and smile at what was good.

They say a watched pot doesn’t boil, and a girl who wants to hear the voice of someone she loves can stare at a phone for literally hours.

You won’t know the smile that came on my face when I looked at the phone and saw your name. Not yet at least. You said you didn’t give a fuck about my feelings, and I am thankful for that. I know HOW you meant it and that matters, and the conversation was soothing, educational, and I got to laugh. Laughter is underrated people.

Things I realized today, was long talks on the phone are missed…in ways. I don’t know if I can do it like I used to in my teens and 20’s but I also can’t drop down and get my eagle on without tequila knee braces. It’s okay to not do it like I did back then then.

I may still text you to death, but I’m glad that you pushed me out of my comfort zone and got me to do it. When those conversations go well its a reminder that I’m denying myself something I deserve, and that I am not fully living up to my potential. You got me to talk not just about my past but also my future. You let me listen to some of your fears and share some of mine.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know I’m thankful for today.

Now back to research. Excuse me while I go put on my man pants.

Aphrodite Brown