I feel stronger both physically and mentally. I am stronger physically and mentally.

While I certainly do not suggest you take a path similar to mine, I am proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’m less proud that I don’t seem to be able to get Amazon to deliver my bed frame but that is a whole other story.

September 2 is Lewis James’ birthday. Lewis James is the man who adopted me with Bonnie and I know as my father. We haven’t spoke since 2008. Short of a series of circumstances that I can’t and won’t get my head to picture I don’t think we will talk again while both of us are alive. I feel like if he’s done any work when he finally moves from this plane a version of his spirit will come tell me he’s sorry, but honestly I can’t see that. I’m open to it in ways I would not have been before, but I truly can’t see him thinking or feeling that our relationship is something that he should have regret over. That’s his to carry not mine.

I was asked have I really forgiven him if I can go a decade without speaking to him. HE’S YOUR FATHER. I mean yeah, and? In life even your family can be ain’t shit. I’m not angry with him. I used to be. Now except on days like today, he’s just one of those people I used to know like the song goes. He is who he is, and me being angry at him simply slows me down, and I am currently on a forward path.

I feel at times though like the whole future is a minefield. That being said, today I am dancing though it. Will I step on one? Quite possibly. I don’t know where they are, I am not looking for them.

What I do know though is my entire frigging past was one and I managed to step on every fucking one of those and I am still here. So the goal right now is to not fear them going forward and trust that they won’t blow off an appendage. If it happens to happen? I can live with less one leg.

It’s a Beyonce and coffee morning and the breeze is lovely this morning. Summer is winding down. She’s not gone, but she is getting ready to roll out. I missed out on most of my hot girl summer shenanigans. I spent all summer trying to figure out where I was gonna live. Now that I am semi settled, my libido has returned and I recall why I typically shelve that bitch. She’s a lot, and I feel like I can’t focus on what I need to make happen while she’s pouting.

I am watching, myself that is. I know what its like to use sex to replace that which I am missing, and I wont fall into that trap. I’m also working on not falling into the trap of self denial. Seems like I have lots of traps hunh? Minefield.

September 21 was supposed to be my Baltimore kinky debut. It was all designed n’shit and was gonna get he roll owt. Of course things changed, which makes me chuckle as I type. The debut was moved a week up and the revolution is non televised. I was asked yesterday when the next day like the 14th will be, and my answer is fuck if I know.

Speak and Sing was special. I’m so proud of what it turned into, and sort of sad that it wasn’t valued enough to keep going. It showed me things about ME, it gave me more than I thought it would. It also taught me lessons. One being if there is going to be a ‘name’ to the event that isn’t just mine we have to have aligned vizion. I don’t need a minion [although in a sense that’s kind of hot] I would want an actual partner. I don’t think? I’m asking for one, I’m just saying that if one shows up I won’t Sparta kick you, or Usain Bolt on you.

Aphrodite Brown