Coffee fueled ramblings ahead, I made it a little strong today. I can hear some of you chuckling, its not THAT funny.

At times I use the word friend too loosely. I often use it because it makes the listener comfortable. It allows a connection they are familiar with even if that is not my reality. I need to work on that. A recent conversation reminded me that the word FRIEND means something to me, and that it comes with qualifications. Carla is my friend. Most of you in my life have not gone through what she and I have gone through together. Shit WE didn’t know we were going to go through it until we did, and we came out on the other side. While others still have that friend title, it comes with the expectations on my end and when you display that you cannot meet those expectations, then you can be a part of my life, just perhaps without that title. You all can’t be Carla, but you can be someone.

B sent me a photo today. It wasn’t expected and it was not unwelcome. It actually made me smile. I didn’t think the day would come when that would be the case, but shit the universe still has surprises for me. I’ve never not loved him. I simply never thought I would get to the day when I saw a message from him, and didn’t see Andrea. We can’t ever be together again but for the first time in a whole bunch of years its not her. It’s me. When I reflect on those days and weeks and now years after, and what I need, besides love, he’s not able to give that to me. He gave me his friendship, he gave me his love, he gave me my spoon. I’m improved because of all of that, its not a loss.

I’’m still figuring out what I want. Need is kind of simple, if I am a simple person [that can be debated], want is less simple. What I am working on currently is not dismissing people who aren’t me. Some of it is deconstructing the Great Wall Ive created over the decades, some of it is staying in tune, some of it is reminding myself that even though I am in solitude typing this at the moment I am not alone. I’m never alone even when I put on my cape and become super push you away woman. I’m a Black woman, I am magic and most absolutely a super hero – its just until recently my superpowers involved shit I didn’t need to be doing.

I have a handle on my mood. I mean that to say when the mood is shifting I can see it. Because I can see it I can put things in motion to fix it. I still haven’t found a therapist who fits me here yet, but that will come.

I feel humbled by the people who’ve reached out to me over the past weekend. I am less surprised than I used to be that people root for me. A little of that is I am now also rooting for myself so the fact someone else might is less startling.

Semi random note – If you’re invited over to handle some business, when its time to leave take all your shit with you. No one wants to look at what you left behind as a reminder. When a reminder is needed the call will be made. It’s me – in this case I am no one. Now come get this damn flogger.

Aphrodite Brown