It’s here 7 days early.

It isn’t like I’ve never taught a workshop. I meet new people frequently, even more so now that I live someplace where I know few people. I’ve even gotten up in front of kinky people and shared some kink knowledge.

I’ve sat here at this desk though dong everything but uploading the outline and finishing the playlist.

I’ve played every game, searched every social media site. I even considered soaking my feet. Even this post is avoidance of sorts.

One of the books in my nighttime rotation is The Four Agreements. The book starts off explaining the stories we’ve told ourselves, why they are not reality, and explaining why telling a different story is needed to get to that zen I am looking to master.

The stories I’ve told myself, the ones told to me are in direct violation of the first agreement. The author suggests this is the hardest but reminds me in the last to do my best. This post isn’t exactly an avoidance, its more the moment where I ask myself am I doing my best?

I am certainly doing MORE than I thought I could, or would, but I am not yet sure it is my best. As I look at the last 2 weeks I’ve knocked the cobwebs off my vagina, I went to a place I didn’t know, I behaved like a grown up and settled all my accounts. I asked the cute girl out on a date and I signed up for the class I need to get back on track with Horsham.

Then I started thinking about what I haven’t done, and I sit here trying not to self flagellate. The nipple clamps don’t count, I was just trying to be less horny. That was an epic fail by the way….still horny.

I picked a person who needs fixing, and I’m being me and fixing, but I’m also letting some things go. Forward. Now I need to learn the lesson to stop picking these people who need fixing.

I will get there but the truth is we all need some fixing right?

I’m waffling between being proud of what I’ve gotten done, and allowing myself that victory. The other thing is looking at that list of things that still need doing and telling myself this is why I can’t have nice things.

Neither is 100 percent true or false. I am not sure if it is my best though. The logical conclusion is if I am asking that question then the answer is obvious. That obvious word has popped up A LOT today. Mostly from August 4. I feel like I should let that go, but I haven’t. Not because it’s impossible, but because the path to it isn’t apparent. I have to accept that the path doesn’t have to be apparent it doesn’t mean the road is gone right?

What I am not going to do though is sit in this moment for an extended period of time. That’s what I would have done, and that isn’t who I am now.

So this is written and I am going to turn off Billy Idol, meditate and hit the sheets. If the sun rises I will have a whole morning to sit with my stage fright and kick her ass.

One of my penis appointments left something here. eye roll. It’s being packed tomorrow. I may not be certain that I am dong my best but I am absolutely certain that if I am gravitating towards a relationship its not with him.

Aphrodite Brown