I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% not the chick I’ve told myself for longer than I care to admit. It’s sobering to consider that I am/was my own teacher when I should be soaring but acceptance is one of those steps to excellence.

I’ve been physical with lots of people over the years, and that physicality was used to validate things, the agreements so to speak that I’ve had with Nicole since she wore ribbons in her hair, because well she used to have hair.

It was used to show those who told me I was not attractive that I was, I was sexy and desirable. I was worth the attention. It was used to feel things I would not allow myself to feel. It was used to produce tears when I would not allow myself to cry. It was used to allow myself joy when I told myself that joy was for others and not myself.

Yesterday was a full day, a fascinating day, a day of lessons, a day of wearing my skin and reminding myself that it is MY skin, no one else can wear it, I look fucking good in it and when I don’t that’s just fine.

I woke earlier than I planned and almost fell into the trap of panic but I was able to stop and breathe and take a moment of gratitude. That gratitude thing is becoming a pattern and I’m happy to have it. Sincerely.

For the clarity of the reader, some of these posts are hybrids. I will re-visit something or combine drafts to get a specific message recorded here. In the case of this post I started it on Sunday, after the Living Room event and I am wrapping her up Thursday before the Say Less event.

Shit that’s for my clarity too 😂

That gratitude which kept me from hiding under my bed Saturday, popped back up yesterday as I was having a panic about my birthday weekend. That lesson I wanted to discuss up there stayed with me all this week and physical interactions and the why behind them have been on my mind.

On the one hand mom would be happy to see it. Yeah, I’m supposed to use something else but I ain’t there yet so mom it is. Regardless of the smile she might or might not have *I* have a smile. Sure in my head there are still thins that I ‘worry’ about but yesterday it was clear that the foundation is here. I am standing on it. Like any other foundation its not escalated rather something to build on.

The Olivia Newton John in me is horny. Yes I’m having sex again, but the need stems from a different place. I still need to throw some consideration to the specific place or places but I am going to lean into the process right now and not stop everything to figure it out.

I’m still horny though.

And I know a part of it is that I’ve opened up. Literally and figuratively. August 4 will be here next month, and that is going to be interesting to experience. Not unlike The Man he flips that switch and being in that space is something that once its on is close to consuming all of the oxygen. Historically I put that bitch on a shelf my brain unable to grasp that she’s allowed to exist and should just like all the other versions of me. I fear her. I really do, but in for a penny in for a pound and in this current room there are no shelves. So she’s pacing next to me as I type this waiting for her next feeding and I am typing this while texting a yt man.

Okay, now that you’ve picked your phone or other device and your jaw back up off the floor, yes I said a White man. A red headed outdorsey like hiking and kayaking and does yoga White man. What y’all thought I was kidding about this change? I am not.

In March I told August 4 that I was in a pupa of sorts. I wasn’t yet, but I was speaking this moment in time into existence without knowing I was.

The silk wrap of the cocoon I can feel against my skin, and there’s less room inside than when I first wrapped. I don’t know what she looks like on the other side, but I am excited to meet her.

Aphrodite Brown