I wasn’t my prolific self a year ago. It was a challenging time for me, but there are lots of those moments I can point to in the history of me. I revisit former entries at times to search for patterns, locate other things, celebrate victories and sometimes because I don’t have ‘anything else to do’.

This morning it was a matter of avoidance. I have some ideas in my head, a part of today though was just trying to breathe and not lift anything heavy.

I want to work on visualization, instead I have an idea in my head I’ve had a challenge letting go. My focus this afternoon is to put it all the way down, but on the other side of that the ‘next’ question pops up. I want to center so I will find that center. It’s an important lesson to learn, and right now I am here for all the lessons.

My only post from October of last year was about the turtle. He still makes me smile but for other reasons now. I still remember that night in the car and how hesitant he was, I still remember when he revealed to me what his darkest desires were. I recall how honored I was that he trusted me with that news. I recall how fucking annoyed I was at his presumptions. I recall finally putting my foot down and now I recall what I wanted for him.

I cannot give that thing to him and that’s a but of sad. I know what its like to be out here on the streets with an itch that can’t be scratched and the peril one could put themselves in trying to reach that spot. I hope he took the lessons I gave him and he’s being safe. I won’t ask. If it’s meant for me to know it will be told. I can’t seek it, its not my wood, I have a cross of my own to carry.

I remember my birthday weekend last year. It did NOT go as planned. I recall how frustrated I was that every plan went sideways. I remember the love at Adobe though. I remember this photo:

That night I planned to have all of the drinks, all of the sex, all of the shenanigans. That night I spent more money than I had, had more to drink and smoke than I planned, and watched my friend have sex while I fell asleep mad as hell that the men in my life ALL stood me up.

I have plans for this year. They started as one thing, they are something else now, and if all of those plans fall through its still going to be awesome. I’m going to spend time in various ways with people I missed. I get to work doing something I’ve gotten pretty good at, I’m going home to be with someone who matters to me. In preparation for that I am going to work on visualizing. What I want may not present the way I thought it would, after all I planned to do all of the hoeing, and I am now on hold, but I am gong to get what I need. Even if I don’t know what that need is consciously.

I wore heels.

I bought a pair of shoes online forever ago. I never got to wear them before Clyde altered them. I refused to throw them away though because they are bad ass shoes. In the last few years the concept of getting dressed and wearing heels was not a thing. I spent a lot of time trying to find a reason to not kill myself so the idea of wearing heels made no sense. Even on a night like that photo, I still didn’t try on those heels. THOSE heels were too much I told myself. You’re not ready I said. I didn’t think I was ready the other day either but I tried them on, they were outside of the shoe bag, I was trying to distract myself. I was able to stand without pain. I was able to walk around the room. I haven’t yet tried them on the steps but I could walk in them. I could walk like a woman in heels not a woman in Tims.

That’s how I know I am going to expel this concept that is struggling to take hold. I didn’t survive all of this to allow this to be the end of the story. Fuck that. This is the beginning. This is where it starts. In the words of Todrick Hall, these stinkin thinking thoughts have got the wrong bitch.

I’m going to go focus now. Have a kick ass Sunday

Aphrodite Brown