When you’ve done kink as long as I have you have to wonder if you’ve done everything. While intellectually I know that I have not, there are moments when I wish go pass GO and hit the green and blue properties at the other end of the board and not shuffle past the orange and yellow.
It’s not that the other properties don’t have value. Properly cultivated with a little strategy and timing you can bankrupt a person. Even if you don’t bankrupt, you get paid every time someone lands. Getting paid is not a bad things. I still have moments though when I long for more.
Moments when I want to walk down the stairs into the darker parts of my kink and remain there. I want to stay there and not leave. I want wear that flesh and all that goes with it. Then I recall why I have done it so infrequently.
Someone, well two people actually have presented the darkness to me and it endears me to them. It makes me crave them. One I cannot rush. He’s got to unload that in his own time, and frankly I am pretty patient. If I can wait 6 years to put his dick in my mouth I can wait a few weeks/months more while he becomes comfortable with sharing that which I smell on him. Yes smell. When in the presence of this person the lioness paces restless. As if she’s on a leash waiting to be let loose. Now in all reality we know a lioness on a leash isn’t a thing, and if she wants to be free – to feed to hunt to mate – she will. I’m not a bully though, and hunting is no fun if your prey doesn’t move, to quote RTJ. In a sense I have to also be sure. Once that connection is made, that changes things. While I am less afraid of change than I was say 6 months ago, I haven’t yet determined if I am willing to keep anyone. I’m not Grant. I won’t open that door until I know I am willing to walk into the room and stay.
There are complications present which doesn’t make the evaluation simple. I am also not asking questions. I have them. I am not asking because the answers mean I have to move. Movement is not necessary until other considerations are complete. The urge to push is strong though. I just understand where that goes and unlike some of my decisions this past summer, I am not going to go someplace I am not willing to do what is needed. I’m still a terrible liar, so we are going to not put ourself in a position where I have to look at another person and say I cannot give you what you desire.
Number two I see in seven days. Right about this time in seven days I will be a sweaty puddle of human being, possibly eating but more than likely looking up at him after our initial expression of lust and channeling him to be the person I need him to be. If for some reason he cannot that won’t alter our connection, that’s solid. It’s withstood over a decade of obstruction, over 3000 miles of America, and the outright resistance of the people we are mutually connected to willing it to not happen. It did though. While we both lived up to our other obligations in that decade, in seven days we meet without such restraint. When I head back Tuesday, we – he and I – will know if what we have will remain what its been, or if we have to commit to what is supposed to be.
I will let that story write itself though.
What I do know is that in less than a week I get to roll into Unity Munch a me that no one has seen before. Shit not even me really. I’m excited in many ways. I’d like to say I don’t have anything to prove, but I do. I have to show myself what this looks like, so I can keep doing it. I’m walking into 47 with more power than I’ve had for the 46 years prior and I want watch that bitch strut. I like the way she moves.
She can kink in the dark and live in the light.
Aphrodite Brown