August 4 is special. August 4 might not be my forever bae, but he’s still special.

He is capable of getting me to do things I would not normally do, and unlike prior relationships its not that I want to do them and need my other to push me there, its that he’s earned my efforts.

Over the years here I’ve talked cash money shit about people who’ve asked me to refrain from sexual activity prior to a meet up. Even The Man fell victim to this on an occasion or two. I am designed – was designed is a better descriptive – for defiance, vagina included. You tell me to not fuck, not masturbate and ‘save it all for you’ and then when I appear you wonder what happened to the wet horny girl you’re used to seeing. She didn’t respond the way every other woman has responded and then I introduce myself again. My name is Nicole, I am 100% that bitch.

Then I have to have multiple conversations with you about why it didn’t work, and what your solve to the issue is and then you ignore me and then I am onto the next one. Sounds exhausting no? It was.

Then August 4 had to come to the East Coast and then his trip was a month a ]way and then there I was volunteering to not live my best ho life for that time period. Speaking of periods…my uterus came through with the save twice this month. First by randomly discharging blood off cycle so that even if I was tempted I could not break away from my promise….and YES I WAS TEMPTED. And then she came through by waiting until my time with August 4 was over to return to form. Thank you uterus. I am still going you up out the paint in 2020 but you’re the MVP for October.

So I volunteered to not have intercourse until I saw him. Surprised the shit out of me too and what was also surprising was I never stopped being horny. Without a word he triggered responses and actions and I am reminded that I need all of that in my life.

He knows me pretty well, we mesh pretty well. I mean we also mostly have secluded moments so identifying if that is sustainable is not simple, but when we make it happen…we make magic.

I understood it was magic even if he didn’t when I was in the car masturbating on the way to the hotel after not having an orgasm in over 13 days and I still didn’t cum. My body had decided it would wait for him. Some hoes just ain’t loyal, even this one to this woman she [speaking of my vagina] had to ride home with.

What was fascinating in a sense was my internal struggles. I’d paced and waited and from laying eyes on him once again was met with that old familiar compulsion. It hasn’t faded since we met all those years ago. It’s a consistent reminder why people still try to keep us as far apart as possible to this day. When you see it, and its not yours, you don’t want anyone else to have it.

I got to let out HER, and she was in rare form. Greedy and insatiable and thirsty. We did the things we always do and then he did one other thing, something he’d never done and had I not passed out from sleep deprivation and orgasm overload shortly after I may have spent the rest of the night contemplating my whole life.

He didn’t say one word while doing it. He simply reached out and did it.

When he didn’t leave the room I struggled, when he reached out for me I struggled more. I was mortified, and helpless and subject to his whim because he was without mercy. I eventually collapsed into his chest, too exhausted to cry, to stunned to speak and too desperate to push him away.

He put me to bed after, I was too ashamed to look him in his face. I feared the smile and my attachment to that smile. I was also cursing my vagina for throbbing and leaking and hard swallowing that voice which wanted to ask him to take me.

Tuesday morning presented another conflict for me. That one I have not resolved. He and I will speak on it like we often do, and I don’t have to make that decision today. Right now. I do need to figure that out though, because my actions Tuesday morning were the 180 degree opposite of the day before and while it resulted in both our pleasure, what it triggers in me is something that can interfere with that compulsion.

I need that compulsion. I am going to have it.

In the interim, I have to go earn my living and wait for the heater I ordered to arrive.

I will return later with some other thoughts, I gots stuff on my mind. I also owe you a recap of Unity Munch and a vizion of #Philly vs Everybody —— that vizion from the bottom of course.

Aphrodite Brown