In my Facebook memories it took me to a post where I mentioned the seasonal arrival of suicidal ideation.

Being transparent, when you live the life of mine it can be a bit of a wonder how it is not a moment by moment thing. I can certainly say that there is history of that there. I can recall within the past five years when it was a minute by minute thing. If I managed to string together 5 complete minutes that was a victory which would propel me to minute six.

I haven’t thought about ending things I think I can say in a year. This is about the time I first visited the Summer House, and it hasn’t been a thing since then. Depression? Sure but the idea of saying fuck it all… not as much.

This weekend was the first in months where I didn’t have ‘anything to do’. I got to enjoy waking up to no obligations and that space triggered something. A void of purpose in the moment that makes me uncomfortable. The concept that something is missing but not completely understanding that which it is and how to fill it.

Shit I even asked Daddy for a day off and that is irregular. I’m the one actively pushing for one more thing and in this case I was removing myself.

It was a week.

Not a great week, not a bad week.

Being honest I am still angry about something, yet I am making the choice to let it go for the overall idea of that which can be better…more. He expressed understanding and the me of today accepts it. Me of today accepts a lot of things.

I actively consciously avoided listing the things yesterday but my concern is that subconsciously they were. I understand the danger in that and want to change that, but …..

My plan for today is cleanse. I don’t know if that will change all of the narrative but it will move some things and movement is necessary. So there’s no time like the present. I might be back later, this feels like a 2 a day kind of day.