This morning the question comes as I finalize the launch of the …shit I don’t know what precisely to call it.
Once upon a time I thought I was gonna do a podcast. Seemed like a cool thing, I always have things to say. Seemed like a good outlet. Then trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about once a week and figure out how to make that happen while preventing Bonnie from falling down the steps, and having a co host because well I talk to myself a lot… seemed too daunting. Somewhere out there in the annals of Blog Talk Radio are my five shows.
If it weren’t my voice and my passion of the moment I highly doubt I’d listen if someone asked. I mean they really weren’t good, .
Not being good never stopped my from having shit to say though, and the outlets continued. Vizionz is really the only one that’s been ‘consistent’ in the past decade and even she has had some dark days.
I’ve attributed it to financial issues. I’ve told myself that ‘no one wants to hear what I have to say’. I say I know nothing about branding or marketing. I said my intentions weren’t pure at times when I considered adding advertising. I’ve delivered so many darn excuses.
Who I am.
Yesterday I had conversations with the man I love and my oldest friend. I listened to both of them because well they are who they are for a reason. My oldest friend who also shares my name said I was always ‘tough’. I realize the eyebrow. I wanted to say do you NOT remember the time when I crumbled on the front steps crying hysterical because I couldn’t figure out how to roller skate? She said I was tough though. She’s not wrong. She’s just another in the extraordinarily long line of people who’ve looked at me and seen that which I haven’t seen within myself. A goddamned pattern it is.
She saw me ..before I was me. I mean at six years old you aren’t who you are going to be right?
Yesterday the man I love said this:
“Definitely tough. But caring and from my perspective, very vulnerable. Extremely smart. Smart enough to know where her deficiencies lie. Bold enough to confront those deficiencies. Definitely needing to be taken care of, due to years of taking care of others.”
Damn him for using that D word. You have no idea how many times I had to re-type that shit. Spell check is the devil I can’t spell any more.
He said some other shit too, but y’all don’t need to hear that 👿
A year ago I was in Woodlawn MD, realizing I was in the middle of some ill fitting housing and trying to figure out where the exit was. I was also in the middle of the process of understanding I am exceptional and powerful. So why am I on the porch this morning asking this question? Because….me.
Even in my most productive moments this past year I’ve figured out how to avoid some things. There is not a reason why I haven’t finished the website aside from my personal hurdles. I keep leaping them. Then I go back and get the ones that I’ve cleared and put them back in front of me.
The man I love said something else yesterday:
“Go for it. The only barrier to accomplishment is your own will.”
Thankfully I can still spell accomplishment.
He believes it. He lives it. Shit this is the same man who has been so transparent and consistent that I bought into the idea of a monogamous long distance relationship. Blank stare.
The woman I was drawn to a year ago, believes it and lives it.
My attraction to these people is not by accident. I ‘need’ something from them, and deliver something to them. I am sure the story with Daddy will end differently than the story with MM.
June 28 – Da Smoke launches.
This is nine days after Vizionz Coaching was scheduled to go live.
Five days from now.
I can still make that deadline. Even with the avoidance performance of this blog this morning. Even with the decision to switch the focus finalized yesterday.
I woke up so its not too late to accomplish it.
The only time it is too late is when I no longer wake.
Who I am.
Nicole
Nicole gets shit done.