January changed the trajectory of my life. That didn’t happen in the abstract, but it happened. While I can’t spend a significant amount of time this morning observing this occurrence, I am making time today. I remember heading into that weekend waiting to hear if I was being hired for the manger position in Phoenix, if I was closing the distance so to speak.

Daddy was using his superpower of calming anxious girls as I took an Uber, and a bus, and a train, and an Uber to West Chester. That was a lot of traveling and exchanges. It was a lot of anxiety waiting for the company to give me an answer that rested within me. It was checking into a hotel room alone, absent the presence of a friend who was no longer able to take that trip with me. I didn’t understand as I showered that night and got into that big ass bed alone, I was touching the garment of the life I wanted to live.

Yesterday was a growth day. I mean most of these days are growth days, but yesterday was notable. It opened with conversations with Daddy, and most of those conversations are good. Lots of them are filthy as fuck, but within those conversations are also lessons. I feel like he’d be proud to know I am actually learning from him. Okay proud is a stretch, he expects me to learn. I just wanna be a girl who makes Daddy proud.

One of the lessons of that weekend was fuck that company. Use it for what it delivers to you in the moment but don’t you dare allow that to bleed out over to what you are doing right now.

I didn’t get the job in Phoenix. Not getting the job in Phoenix bled out into a lot of my life from February until now. Lots of anger, lots of frustration, lots of questions, lots of doubts – about myself about my worth. It manifested in some familiar ways, presented in some brand new ways, and makes me curious about what I will extract from that when I allow myself the luxury of reflection.

Reflection these days is a luxury, because moving forward is the priority. Forward. I haven’t typed that in a while 🙂

I’m drawn to Phoenix partially because I’ve figured out how the both of us can begin a combined life there with the least amount of disruption to the current. I haven’t given a lot of consideration to the concept that interruption of the current might be just what the fuck we need, on multiple levels.

We unpacked some relationship shit this week, and in NuNicole fashion I got ‘naked’ and said some things I wouldn’t have said before. All of the things? No, because all of the things weren’t relevant at the moment of disclosure. The reward for that vulnerability was yesterday. Life with him is showing me something different than life before him has shown me. My first attempt at opening that particular relationship box was met with my first exposure of his anger. His anger is sexy as fuck, but I don’t want it. I want yesterday. I got yesterday by being transparent, being honest, being respectful. Are you there Nicole its me common fucking sense.

I did another interview with the company, I didn’t get the job again. I remember telling him I didn’t know how I would react to that. I know do, and the world is still on her axis. Daddy had an answer to me not getting the job, Daddy has lots of answers for lots of things. As it tends to be, the answer was not what I expected. I started implementing his answers and I woke this morning feeling a different purpose.

That purpose took me to …I’m going to have to give her a code name now since what I have called her is now her legal name.

Anyway, it was a conversation with her, about Tony Robbins which opened this entry.

My mirror needed to be seen, and I needed to remind myself of my date with destiny.

And as I type this, Dean Graziosi is in my ear asking me how money can make me a better version of me. While I am trying to figure out how to meet the expectations and fill the stomach and supply the vices and plan for the future which I am moving. It feels like a lot of moving parts, but this entry is going to be added to a decade of proof that I can do this.

The idea of finishing the website still seems daunting, but that doesn’t mean I won’t finish. And finish in time to make that announcement tomorrow. I see me at so many moments in the ‘timeline’ and I want to pick those best versions of her and plop those versions into a new condensed me.

I also put thought into the reminder that he is my ever present example that I don’t have to do any of those what ifs. I have to just be. Me.

What brought me to this man, is what I have to do at these other aspects of what I seek. And then in Nicole fashion, I am reminded that I don’t want any of those other things more than I want him.

Time to get into the lab. Have an amazing day Constant Reader.