I can’t go back to bed right now though, groceries are on the way, laundry is in the washer.

As I wait for the next tool, questions on why me wander through the cavern of my brain. I know the answer, I know it. Yet I sit here yawning while I type willing myself to sit upright instead of going and laying on the sofa.

I’m staring as a weird blister on my foot and thinking of all the things, millions of things, other than the next step in the path.

The path leads to the life that I’ve wanted for 47 years. Yet, I am not running along it. I am sitting here staring at the path and resisting walking down it.

I’ve been off psych meds for about 3 years now. I don’t think this is a moment to return to them. I do recognize however, what depression looks like for me, in all the variations it appears, and know that it’s sitting here on the porch with me. The goal is to keep it from walking into the house with me and taking up space.

It comes down to money a lot. Money changes everything like Cyndi Lauper sings.

This month is the first month where I can get back on track after a misstep in the move. It happens, and the ‘forward’ in this moment is the concept that I always fuck this up isn’t present.

What didn’t get saved here on the draft version was a real time discussion with myself on how to ‘solve’ this problem.

The details aren’t terribly important. What happened was as I typed above a financial deadline loomed and I struggled to locate the answer. I typed and typed and typed and eventually said fuck this, let’s try to handle it.

So I literally typed “I’ll be back”, went to the website and made a pitch. Not only did the pitch work, the option made to me is better than the option before things went critical.

My immediate reaction was to give Daddy the credit. He changed some things and the result of those changes would have impacted us if I did not find a solution to this issue.

While his presence in my life allows me to think differently, this wasn’t him. This was me.

This was me ignoring my history, the falsehoods I’ve imposed on myself and choosing a different course of action. I CHOSE to not sit and wait for the inevitable, which by extension would CREATE the inevitable, I acted.

The worse they could have said is no. If the response was no then, nothing technically changed. The answer was NOT no, the answer was a solution which let’s me breathe just a little more, plan a little more, fight a little more, go FORWARD a little more.

I did that.

Yes the company helped 😂 but I did that.

I didn’t allow fear of failure prevent me from acting. I didn’t allow things to linger or fester until there was no solve. I didn’t bury my head in the sand and pretend like the issue wasn’t there.

Sure I didn’t address it Thursday, but Saturday happened. I happened.

I am literally re-writing the story of me. I am creating truths to erase the falsehoods.

Damn.

In a transparent moment, yes Daddy helped in the sense that the idea of explaining a problem to him without a solution wasn’t something I was willing to do. He was added incentive to take these steps.

But had I done nothing, he wouldn’t leave me. He’d have been pissed off as all hell but leave? No.

Why me?

Because I am living this thing I plan to teach others.

Doesn’t seem as challenging right now.